Monday, September 20, 2004

Whoring Myself Out for Medical Research

Doesn't that sound awful? Its how I feel though. "Come on, you know you want me. I'm a 29 year old non smoking woman. I have a pair of beautiful, lucious ripe ovaries. I am also a Scorpio who enjoys long walks in the park and is looking for a doctor, willing to show me the finer things in life." Tee Hee. I was thinking, maybe IUI doesn't have to be the end of the line for me, if I can get picked up by a clinical trial that covers most of the expenses. I am not sure I can give myself injections in the hip and stomach though so it may be a moot point. I am going to give it a shot though, ha ha no pun intended.

What else...Trevor has moved away--Wah! Now who am I going to sniff? My very pregnant co-worker says she would be more than happy to let me smell her baby when he arrives, she didn't think I was weird at all. She is really really good for a fertile person at listening to me describe my journey jumping through hoops. She said today, the four months it took to get pregnant seemed like forever, she can't even imagine how this is for me. Perfect. Good answer. Sympathetic, yet not assuming she could understand. Four months!! How blessed. I am very excited for her. "D" is not due until Oct 4, but the doctor says, the baby is getting to big and needs to come out! That's a new one to me!

**Some Spiritual Thoughts on Infertility, my dog Gabby and the Time I lost my Entire Memory**

I read on another Christian Blog, with some differing view points on whether or not infertility is punishment from God. Interesting. Here is my take on it, just my humble opinion--I don't think that it is. I do think it may be a trial or a test in faith, but punishment? No, I don't think so. This morning I said a new kind of prayer. I already feel that this is going to happen, but on God's schedule not mine. This morning I prayed, "God, I know you may not think this is the right time, but I am asking that if possible can You "over-ride" the schedule? Even if it's not the "right" time, even if the timing is bad, can You please let me get pregnant soon. I don't want to keep taking drugs, especially since I believe, you can let me be pregnant even if I stopped taking them today. I know this isn't how You operate, but You said we could ask for anything we won't and you will answer, so I figure it's worth a try. I don't want to continue on, doing things that are more and more invasive, but I will if I must. Please, please please. (A lot more begging and groveling here, edited out for time) Thank you, Amen"

One time about 6 years ago, one of my dogs, Gabby got Parvo. This canine disease has a 90+ percent kill ratio. What happens is usually the dog poops and vomits itself to death. I felt quite certain, as I laid on the ground next to Gabby, forcing water down her throat and giving her hourly injections, that she was near death. I prayed to God, "I have this feeling that you think it would be easier for us to just have 2 dogs instead of 3. Maybe because we are really poor right now. But God I am begging you, let me keep her, I'll take any amount of hardship to keep her." The next day she turned the corner and almost immediately got better. The desert vets were calling her their "miracle dog."

Eleven years ago, I lay in a hospital with no memory. I didn't know who I was, or who my mom was, or even how to talk and read. My priest prayed over me, giving me the Anointing of the Sick. Often times this Catholic Sacrament is reserved for those near death, and I (my mom has told me) paid rapt attention, and did the Sign of the Cross. Very soon after I began to recover. (Later they found Meningitis and Epstein Barre in my spinal fluid, which caused the lining of my brain to swell. This also caused the chemical imbalance I have to this day and still take Zoloft for.) I believe in the power of prayer. Some people don't. Some people doubt their God and their faith. I don't have that "luxury." (I say luxury because it is a challenge. A good one, but I really suck at being a Christian sometimes.) For my faith there is no longer any doubt. I of all people, feel I have no right to question God/Jesus' exsistence. In many other blatant examples again and again, God has shown himself in my life. This is how I know I am not being punished. I just know. I respect and understand that these are things others cannot easily accept or feel differently about and I know that others life experiences may shape them in the opposite direction. I am not judgemental, I don't claim to be anywhere near perfect. In fact last week I actually said, out loud, to someone who asked, "Hell yeah, I am Christian! Oh my gosh I can't say that-that is so wrong!"
So those are my thoughts. I've been needing to put them down "on paper" for some time. For me being a Christian is directly tied into my journey of infertility. Goodnight til later, Becky

1 comment:

Jen P said...

I had parvo recently!! And while it's not as deadly for people as it is for dogs or cats, gosh, i'm there sympathizing with Gabby. Whew. Close call for that girl. I'm glad she's ok.

And I too don't believe infertility is a 'punishment'; a life challenge I'm calling it. My 1/4 life crisis. I feel ill when people believe it's punishment. It makes me want to barrel over to them and ask just what they've done wrong with their lives. It might not be as obvious what their challenges are, but jeez, thanks for the kindness in judging me before we've met.

I love your writing. I love your humour. I hope you do find a kind doctor to show you the 'finer' things in life!!!