Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Someone Get Me a Giant Hamster Ball--Fast!!!!

Liam has a protective sac around him at all times. He is safe. What do I have? Horrific balance. And bloody knees. Chris and I were at Olive Garden, and he moved the car to come pick me up, while I was in the restroom. So I walk out of the restaurant, looked right at Chris and our truck and kept walking the other way to where the car was parked. Chris honks, and I realized it was him. Just so you know, we just got a new camper shell the day before, that is why I didn't recognize the truck, not because I am a complete moron. Well, I was laughing at myself, for not noticing him, and I stepped off the curb between two cars. I stumbled, caught myself then tripped over the concrete parking block. Normally I wouldn't have fallen but my balance, bad on a non-pregnant day, is really off now. So I dropped like a ton of bricks. Scuffed my knees, bloodied a toe, road rashed my hands, and completely shattered, my pride. I knew immediately Chris would be terrified the baby was hurt, so I popped up like a jack in the box and shouted, "Liam is fine!" Meanwhile I was just sobbing and laughing hysterically, both because I hurt, and because I was really embarassed. It is a good thing, I told Chris we were OK, because he was already calling medics and running to see if I was OK. He said, "You were there and then you just....weren't. All I saw was you and then your hands underneath those cars!" So I am thinking, the only hope for me is if I just roll around in a giant plasitc hamster ball for the next 3 months. You know, just in case.

Friday, June 17, 2005


My life is wonderful. I love it. But when I go to work, usually it is not that exciting. I get a lot of 911 hang ups that lead to nothing but hair-pulling, "I didn't call 911." replies. I always like to say, "Well ma'am, 911 doesn't do random house calls." And my officers work in a small sleepy town, nestled between gang land to the South, and Brina's wacky Twilight Zone city to the North. (She gets the weirdest things even though her town is small like mine.) Back me up on that, B. Chris' job however, is exciting and fast paced. He has the best stories ever. Some are sad, some are scary but some are so funny, I cry with laughter. What is really funny, (and occasionally frustrating), though is that he will regale me with these amazing, colorful tales but then when I prompt him to retell them later, it goes one of 3 ways. Every time.
Me: Chris tell them about the traffic stop with the midget.
Chris: Which one is that?
Me:You know, the one with the midget, the Hungarian waiter and......
Chris:(Blank stare) I have no idea what you are talking about.
Me: How could you forget??? The guy was holding a tuna!
Chris:Hmmm....Sorry that just doesn't ring any bells.

Me: Chris tell them the one about the midget.
Chris: Which one was that?
Me:You know the one with the Hungarian waiter and the tuna?
Chris:Oh, yeah, I stopped this Hungarian waiter and he had a big tuna.
Me: And.....(exasperated) Tell them the whole thing, you know, the midget...
Chris: Oh yeah, and when I stopped him, there was this midget in the car with him.
Me: What??!! That isn't even remotely the exciting, hilarious story you told me!
Chris: Oh, I guess I don't remember it then.

Me: Tell them the one about the midget, the Hungarian waiter and the giant tuna.
Chris: I don't remember that one.
Me:Fine I will tell it.
(So I launch into this wild tale, full of humor and excitement. Spellbinding the listener. Then I finish. Big. And always true to how I remember the story.)
Chris:No, that's not how it went at all. Where did you get the idea there was a possum? There was no possum.
(Me, looking like a total jackass.)
Me: you said you didnt' remember!
Chris: I don't, but there definitely wasn't a possum involved.

And so, it is without further ado, that I tell you Chris' story about the deer in the road. There are no Hungarian waiters or Tuna in this story, though. Come gentle readers, join me: So Chris does a traffic break on the freeway, ( where they drive back and forth to stop traffic, to pick up debris, etc.), for another unit, because that other unit needed to get a large dead deer out of the road. Well, it turns out the deer is like a 10 point buck and cannot be moved easily. So the officer grabs a pole with kind of a noose on the end. You know like animal control uses on rabid dogs? He links the "noose" around the buck's head and antlers and is dragging the deer out of the middle of the freeway. Suddenly the deer wakes up! It was just stunned, but the officer's pole is still wrapped up in the antlers. This poor officer is attempting to wrangle this giant buck in front of dozens if not hundreds of stopped motorists, (this is a main freeway in the Bay Area, after all), and in front of this audience, the buck jumps up on a Mercedes in the front row and begins what was described to me as "an energetic tap dance" on the hood, while the poor CHiPPie is still trying to get his pole detached from the antlers! The Mercedes was annihilated, it eventually had to be towed it was so severely damaged. Finally the deer gets loose, and frolics off into the wilderness. Chris says even when they tried to get traffic moving again, the spectators just sat there for a while in shock. the whole thing, for once, was another officer's call so Chris just got to watch the show.

CHP officer's dry cleaning bill from wrangling deer............................................$13.00
Deer wrangling pole......................................$40.00
Damage done by deer to Mercedes..............................................$6000.00
Watching in stunned silence as a deer destroys some random Mercedes Benz?..............................................................................................PRICELESS

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Sloppy-Joe? More Like Sloppy-Noooooo!!!!!

I had a horrific experience with sloppy-joes the other day. Needless to say, sometimes I still have very bad days. Yesterday I went to the doc with stabbing pains below the "bump." I have a bladder infection. Oh joy! So on top of feeling pregnancy-tired, I also feel, rundown, infection tired. OK, enough whining, onto better and brighter things...
So Chris' brothers visited this past weekend. They drove up from LA. They are so awesome, but staring up at their 6'4 frames, and giving them hugs, I couldn't help but notice their extremely broad shoulders. And I became afraid. Very, very afraid. This is what the "C" side of the family has to offer. Gigantic men and I am having a boy. AAAAAHHHHH!!!! Luckily my brother, is about 6'1, 120. OK, well he's not that skinny, but we on the "B" side of the family are known for small bones, so maybe it won't be so bad.

Cute thing that Chris did: We took the dogs to a Santa Cruz dog beach. No dogs allowed until after 4pm so all the dog owners wait at the top of the stairs, until the clock strikes 4. So I am heading down the steps, very slowly, very carefully, with Xena, and people are coming up the stairs, but in the back of my mind I noticed, even though there was a crowd of dog people at the top of the stairs, including Chris +3 dogs, I am the only one going down the steep stairs. I found out much later, Chris was up at the top of the stairs, and he told the waiting crowd, they all had to wait until his pregnant wife made it down to the bottom so she wouldn't get knocked down by their dogs. Isn't that cute! He takes such good care of me. Also the other night after I went to bed, I couldn't sleep because I could smell dog poop out side the window. So sweet Chris went out into the night and shoveled poop until I gave the all clear. He is definitely my favorite part of being pregnant.
I haven't posted in so long, not because I was too busy, but because I just don't have anything to say... Job is going fine, Liam is doing fine, I am getting by. I can't think of anything else, right now. I promise to update as anything remotely interesting occurs!