Just Because I am Delirious, Doesn't Mean it's Not Still Funny

Dear Gentle Citizens of [the city where I work], for your sake, please do not call 911. My reflexes are slow, my temper is quick, and I may not be completely coherent or awake.

I'm still sick. I probably shouldn't be at work but I ran out of sick leave. In the irony of all ironies, my husband was working or busy the whole time I was sick. I went back to work, his partner called in sick, so he is home. Sigh. I talked to him on the phone today, (I rarely see him in person while awake anymore), and we realized we don't have the same day off together until October 13th. I excitedly penciled him in my day planner. If it wasn't so darn sad, it might be funny. How on earth are we supposed to make this stupid kid? I've really come to resent the little brat. I just realized it is time to test on Sunday, but I honestly don't care. I don't even have the energy to take darn test. I am not the least concerned that it didn't work, I just want to get on with it already. I am not sad or upset, I just don't give a flyin fanooty.

Note to the creators of CSI:New York--Your show was pretty good tonight, but as a member of the law enforcement support services personnel division, allow me to make a brief point. I am a bit "in the know" on the ways of "the force." And I can assure you, no self-respecting female detective would dress like that. Puh-leeze, she'd be sent home for 314. That is "cop talk" for indecent exposure. On a non-cop related note, you made the rats squeak. As the former owner of Gilda Rat-ner, I can tell you, rats don't squeak. Not unless you squeeze them just a little to hard when you're lovin them and I still feel really guilty about that.

Moving right along, what else... What I saw of Oregon was nice. I saw Mt. Hood and Mt Reiner from the airplane, beautiful and covered in snow. Then I saw part of Portland, the airport, my campgrounds and the 5 freeway. Everything else I slept through. They have no taxes up there, how cool is that? On the way home we broke the trip up into 2 days. The night we spent in a hotel was a quaint little town called Red Bluff. I say quaint with all the sarcasm I can muster--this is definitely the armpit of America. Mostly filled with people with no teeth, gang bangers and people I am positive just got released from prison. In the parking lot of the hotel a tiny gang member, walked up to my BIL as if to start a fight. My BIL is 6'4 and just started laughing, to which tiny gang member, was made to feel dumb and walked away. Then I came home, and I have been chugging orange juice and vitamins ever since. Well, wish me luck staying awake. It's now 1 am and I am half way there. G'night!

My Nearly C Cups Runneth Over

Bazoombas. Ta Tas. Boobies. Biscuits. Melons. Hooters. Big fat pains in the ass. 6 days till evil pee stick day and I am not optimistic, because if I did somehow manage the miracle of life, I've already killed the poor thing off. Between the smoke from the campfire, sleeping in a molded tent, the high fever and the gallons of Nyquil, the poor thing didn't stand a chance. I got back on Sunday but I haven't moved out of bed in days. I will go back to work tomorrow after 3 days called in sick. My boss called me and said, "I heard you called in sick, what happened?" Huh? How do you answer that? "It was the darndest thing, I tripped and fell into a pile of cold symptoms." I am not sure what she was looking for there but, I hope I provided it.
So Chris went out for a boys night of poker and I am left feeling sorry for myself. I made him pick me up some chick flicks so I could at least wallow in someone else's problems. I am writing on borrowed time, any second now my possessed computer is going to kick me off. I will write more tomorrow, G'Night! Sniff, sniff, snuffle, whine, cough.

I'm Leeeaving On a Jet Plane, Don't Know When I'll Be Baaaaack Again (sung with very off keyed enthusiasm)

Ok, so I know when I will be back--Sunday-- but I had to keep the integrity of the song. I will miss my BLOG and I will miss the blogs that I read everyday. I wish I knew how to link them to my blog. If anyone of my wonderful 5 faithful readers (I adore you!!!), has blogspot and knows how to make that list in the margin that you can highlight on it and then go to that site, please let me know. If you do try to explain it to me, make sure you use very small words, no technical terms and it would probably be a good idea to use fewer than 3 syllables. Also some people say, "Look at this" on their website, then you click on this and it goes to another website. How do they do that? Is it magic? Where can I get some?

So, today I went to the pharmacy. I had a brilliant idea for my camping/melting progesterone problem---I would buy the same thing but in a non refridgerated form--Brilliant!! So I went to pick it up and the pharmacist said, "You know this is $189 right?" After I came to--thank God I was in the safety of a pharmacy and around trained professionals, I said, "Um, no....." Hmmmm lets weigh our options. On one hand I could spend $189 and not have to figure out how to keep my "bullets" from melting on the plane ride, but also have 0 money for fun. On the other hand I could buy a ziplock bag and some ice and pocket the remaining $....... Not really a tough choice. I like to think of myself as clever and $180 richer. "How about I take these 2 of these ziplock baggies and I'll call you in the morning, Ha Ha." The pharmacist didn't think I was funny. Sigh, oh well they can't all be gems.

My skin is really broken out. I think it's from all the hormones. When I was in high school I took Accutane. What a God send that was. Wiped out my really bad acne in just four months. I can't wait to take it again. You CANNOT take it while trying to conceive or this will happen. I am sorry, that was rude. I wasn't trying to trick you by having you click on the this I just really just wish I could link. If I could and you hit this I would link to the side effects page of the Accutane warning. It shows a drawing of a conehead baby. It is really scary. Every single pill has a picture covering the tinfoil part, where you pop the pill out, of a pregnant lady and a giant "universal symbol for no" over it. And when you do take it, you have to get monthly blood pregnancy tests. They are very serious about it. When I took Accutane, I was a practicing virgin in Catholic High School, but much to my shame, they still made me test. I guess you can't be to careful.

So tomorrow I.....Hang on......(insert "hold music" here). OK, someone on 911 interrupted my train of thought. The nerve. Ya know, I live in California, I love CA, my brother is a CHP officer, but I gotta tell you, CHP dispatchers, for this area, kinda suck. I am sorry if you know and love one, but let me back up my opinion.

1) My brother got into a foot pursuit, put it out over the air and his dispatcher told him she couldn't help him because her screen showed him off duty.

2) My brother had armed and dangerous person at gunpoint and called for back up. Dispatcher told him, "Standby unless you have emergency traffic." "Affirm!" "Standby" My husband ended up calling for back up on his cell phone--that's so wrong!

3) They often transfer us (municipal police dispatchers) calls that don't belong to our agency, then when we say, "CHP are you still on the line, this isn't ours" They have mysteriously dropped off.

4) And finally what just happened. CHP-"I have a caller on Wheeler who says she's in [my city]" Me-"We don't have a Wheeler. Where is the cell tower?" C-"Bascom and W. San Carlos" M-"That is in San Jose" "Well that doesn't mean anything, the cell tower can be up to 5 miles away from the caller." M-"Ok, but that is still 95 miles from here, it can't be mine." (long pause) CHP-"So your not going to take it then?" Me-"No!" Click. Unbelievable.

Wow, I got way off topic. I digress, where was I.... Oh, yeah tomorrow, my plane leaves from San Jose in the evening and arrives in Portland OR. Then we are camping. In the rain. Joy.
Actually, it should be fun. My 2 BILs and 1 SIL, who will pick me up at the airport, are camping experts. Apparently its going to be very cold. I whine when it gets cold, ask my husband. I will try so hard not to complain. If I get too miserable I can always rough it in a Holiday Inn.

Well, that's all for now, my insane rantings have tired me out. Besides, my officers keep interrupting me. The nerve. I just notice a "link" button. I am going to try it. this. OMG it worked!!!!! It's OK don't be afraid, it's not a trick! This is the link I wanted to put in the beginning. Scary birth defects, huh? I am so excited, not about the birth defects, about linkage! I am going do so many links!!!! Still gotta go, bye!

Whoring Myself Out for Medical Research

Doesn't that sound awful? Its how I feel though. "Come on, you know you want me. I'm a 29 year old non smoking woman. I have a pair of beautiful, lucious ripe ovaries. I am also a Scorpio who enjoys long walks in the park and is looking for a doctor, willing to show me the finer things in life." Tee Hee. I was thinking, maybe IUI doesn't have to be the end of the line for me, if I can get picked up by a clinical trial that covers most of the expenses. I am not sure I can give myself injections in the hip and stomach though so it may be a moot point. I am going to give it a shot though, ha ha no pun intended.

What else...Trevor has moved away--Wah! Now who am I going to sniff? My very pregnant co-worker says she would be more than happy to let me smell her baby when he arrives, she didn't think I was weird at all. She is really really good for a fertile person at listening to me describe my journey jumping through hoops. She said today, the four months it took to get pregnant seemed like forever, she can't even imagine how this is for me. Perfect. Good answer. Sympathetic, yet not assuming she could understand. Four months!! How blessed. I am very excited for her. "D" is not due until Oct 4, but the doctor says, the baby is getting to big and needs to come out! That's a new one to me!

**Some Spiritual Thoughts on Infertility, my dog Gabby and the Time I lost my Entire Memory**

I read on another Christian Blog, with some differing view points on whether or not infertility is punishment from God. Interesting. Here is my take on it, just my humble opinion--I don't think that it is. I do think it may be a trial or a test in faith, but punishment? No, I don't think so. This morning I said a new kind of prayer. I already feel that this is going to happen, but on God's schedule not mine. This morning I prayed, "God, I know you may not think this is the right time, but I am asking that if possible can You "over-ride" the schedule? Even if it's not the "right" time, even if the timing is bad, can You please let me get pregnant soon. I don't want to keep taking drugs, especially since I believe, you can let me be pregnant even if I stopped taking them today. I know this isn't how You operate, but You said we could ask for anything we won't and you will answer, so I figure it's worth a try. I don't want to continue on, doing things that are more and more invasive, but I will if I must. Please, please please. (A lot more begging and groveling here, edited out for time) Thank you, Amen"

One time about 6 years ago, one of my dogs, Gabby got Parvo. This canine disease has a 90+ percent kill ratio. What happens is usually the dog poops and vomits itself to death. I felt quite certain, as I laid on the ground next to Gabby, forcing water down her throat and giving her hourly injections, that she was near death. I prayed to God, "I have this feeling that you think it would be easier for us to just have 2 dogs instead of 3. Maybe because we are really poor right now. But God I am begging you, let me keep her, I'll take any amount of hardship to keep her." The next day she turned the corner and almost immediately got better. The desert vets were calling her their "miracle dog."

Eleven years ago, I lay in a hospital with no memory. I didn't know who I was, or who my mom was, or even how to talk and read. My priest prayed over me, giving me the Anointing of the Sick. Often times this Catholic Sacrament is reserved for those near death, and I (my mom has told me) paid rapt attention, and did the Sign of the Cross. Very soon after I began to recover. (Later they found Meningitis and Epstein Barre in my spinal fluid, which caused the lining of my brain to swell. This also caused the chemical imbalance I have to this day and still take Zoloft for.) I believe in the power of prayer. Some people don't. Some people doubt their God and their faith. I don't have that "luxury." (I say luxury because it is a challenge. A good one, but I really suck at being a Christian sometimes.) For my faith there is no longer any doubt. I of all people, feel I have no right to question God/Jesus' exsistence. In many other blatant examples again and again, God has shown himself in my life. This is how I know I am not being punished. I just know. I respect and understand that these are things others cannot easily accept or feel differently about and I know that others life experiences may shape them in the opposite direction. I am not judgemental, I don't claim to be anywhere near perfect. In fact last week I actually said, out loud, to someone who asked, "Hell yeah, I am Christian! Oh my gosh I can't say that-that is so wrong!"
So those are my thoughts. I've been needing to put them down "on paper" for some time. For me being a Christian is directly tied into my journey of infertility. Goodnight til later, Becky

Today's Entry is Brought to You by the Number Two

Two. As in look at my TWO beautiful eyebrows. As in now it is 2ww. As in how many haircuts I had to get this week not to look like I had wings. As in how many pounds I put on since cutting fast food out of my diet. As in how many books I am currently reading. As in how many infertility books I bought at Barnes and Noble. As in how many times a lady called 911 tonight to report there was a rat in her home. As in how many times I told the same lady-"Police officers are not trained Exterminators."As in how many lines I will see on this month's pregnancy test. (Please, please, please.)

My Internet Service Provider Sucks but My Vacuum Doesn't

I can't get online at my house. Every time I do it dumps me off and then I get really mad and yell at it, but it just stares at me, mocking me. So, I think, fine if I can't play online, I'll clean. So I try to vacuum my one and only carpeted room and within 2 minutes its completely clogged with dog hair. We shaved our German Shepard mix, Xena ,for the Summer. She looks like a jack rabbit, it's so cute. She feels like a freshly shorn sheep. Well, I don't know how she feels, by the looks of she gets from the other dogs, I'm guessing she feels more like a jackass than a jack rabbit, but thats how it feels to touch her. Her paws are enormous. People keep telling us, "Look at those big paws and giant ears! She is going to be a big dog when she gets older!" I just smile because she is seven years old. She doesn't take after me, because I have mutantly small feet. I am 5'9 and wear a size 7 1/2-8 shoe. It's a wonder I don't fall over when I walk. Chris always says, how can something so tiny smell so bad? I do have stinky feet, it's true.

Speaking of tiny feet, I had dinner with Dorothy and Trevor last night. He is sooo cute. He is three weeks old and he makes all kinds of weird noises. I sniffed him. I heard it really can help you get pregnant. Dorothy's dog Jasmine almost attacked me to "protect" Trevor. I think she thought I was going to eat him. Scared the crap out of me. I have decided that pregnant friends and friends with children do not make me mad or jealous. Because in some small way I get to be a part of their child's life and watch them grow. It makes me happy instead. I am sad because Trevor is moving a half hour away on Monday, but then my favorite kid in the world, Sean is moving into his house next door. I don't know if I have talked about Sean yet. He is so smart. When he was two (one short year ago), and he was at our house visiting, he came up to me while I was feeding the dogs. He put his tiny little hands into his little pants pockets, cocked one leg out in a casual manner and said, "So what do you feed these dogs, anyway?" To which I immediately turned him over and searched for his batteries, because whose 2 year old talks like that? He adores Chris, and the feeling (though Chris honestly is not a big fan of kids) is completely mutual. His mom asked Sean to give me a hug as they were leaving, and I never want him to feel he has to give me a hug. So I said, "It's OK Sean, you don't have to give me a hug." And Chris says, "Sean, can I have a hug?" Sean just ran at him and threw himself into Chris' arms. Chris just melted. All evening long Chris kept saying, "Sean hugged me and not you." To which I just smiled, because I remember the days when Chris couldn't stand any kids. Back when I would want to talk of starting a family and he wouldn't hear of it. So I was happy. Chris used to be a mechanic so last time Sean came over Chris got out one of his tool boxes. (I ran screaming across the room, when Sean picked up a VERY sharp pair of pliers which probably scarred him for life.) Sean took a hammer to the front door, pounded on it, then covered the bottom half with electrical tape, then turned to Chris and said, "I already fixed you washing machine, now I fixed your brown door, (with and overdramatic sigh) is there anything else that needs to be fixed?" HE WAS TWO YEARS OLD!!!!!! I want a child just like him, except, he had colic when he was born and he is a not very tough. Chris needs a little tough guy. Sean has this game he plays with our Pit Bull puppy, that he calls "Plunk" I don't know what the rules are, but he obviously does. Mostly in entails Sean jumping on Riley's back or him attacking her with pillows. She loves it. She just follows him around and puts up with anything. I have another dog, Bailey who is NOT good with kids. I though she would be because she is part yellow lab and was a trained therapy dog, but no. When Sean came over she sat in a corner, totally freaked out and just watched him. I kept a hand on her and kept telling her it was ok but she was way spazzed out. Sean was playing plunk and he ran backwards and fell on Bailey and she bit him! Luckily she only got a mouthful of his hair. "What that dog did my hair?" he asked. Needless to say, Bailey is no longer allowed in the house when he visits. It's funny though, Sean always wants to see her. "Where is that grumpy dog, Bailey?" he always asks. Then he always says, "Xena and Gabby and Riley can come inside, but not Bailey, she too grumpy." I only told him their names once but he remembers each of them. Sometimes he puts his hands in the air, and says, where's Bailey? Can she come play?" I remind him she bit him, he says, "Oh, yeah she needs to stay outside." Last time he was growling at the dogs and kind of freaking them out and his mom, Alicia said, "Sean don't growl at them." and he goes, "OK, but Mom, I really want to." "No, Sean," she says. He got this really cute twinkle in his eye and he goes, "Alright but I really, really want to grrrrrrrrowl at them." It was hilarious. Can you tell I just adore this kid? I can't wait to babysit. I adore Alicia, I really do, but not only did she keep her perfect figure during pregnancy and only added a perfectly round basketball, but I saw her right after in a 2 piece suit and her tummy was perfectly flat and toned. Beyatch!!!!

RANDOM THOUGHTS
1)Is it weird that I think my dogs feet smell like a hamster? I read on someone else's blog that their dogs feet smell like fritos so, now I know I am not the only one who notices such things.

2) My usual eyebrow habit is to just make sure there are two separate ones. However today I am getting them shaped and I am nervous. I kinda like my big fuzzy catipillar eyebrows

3)If I don't tweeze I look like Bert from sesame street

4) I am working an OT shift from 7am-1pm and I haven't been asleep since yesterday afternoon.

5) I am probably not alert enough to handle the 911 line or any life threatening emergencies

6) I saw the sun for the first time in weeks (I sleep during the day) and it frightened me.

7) I promised Chris I wouldn't allow Riley in our bed anymore. I get around that promise by sleeping on the guest bed when he isn't home. She cuddles against my belly and I feel like a Mommy.

8) When I arrive at the dog park, I often double the amount of dogs present

9) I am terrified of crickets

10) There are a lot of crickets in my home.

11) I am ovulating today.

12) I am 8 DPFF (days past fast food)

13) Though I completely cut out soda and fast food from my diet, I have gained 2 pounds...Why am I bothering?

14) When I am ovulating, sometimes I feel like I am raping my husband. (Sorry Mom), but its how I feel. It's like "Dance monkey, dance!"

That's it for now. Only 2 more hours of work.

Clever and Witty Post Title

I really put a lot of effort into today's heading, didn't I? Tonight I had a someone cover the first 4 hours of my shift, so that I could finally spend some quality time with my husband. We went out to dinner at TGIFs, I didn't have a soda. I really wanted an apple martini, but its not appropriate to answer 911 vershnockered. I wish I could blame what I did tonight on alcohol. I had my mike stuck open and I was singing, blissfully unaware. So tonight some lucky officers got serenaded. Well that's all for now, nothing exciting to report. Night, Me

P.S. Holy cow, I just did my spellcheck and it suggested "dogfish" instead of TGIFs!?!? What the @#$% is a dogfish and where can I get one?

I am Nothing if Not Redundant. I am Nothing if Not Redundant

I said before and I'll say it again.

Well meaning ignorant people of the world, listen to me now and hear me later. Do not attempt to dispense pithy advise to the infertiles. We are dangerous when confronted and deadly when patronized. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Most recent true life example:

Where: Barnes and Noble

My Mood: Clomid cycle-enough said

The Scene: I raided the Infertility section and brought all 15 books over to the tables so I could winnow my selection to 1 or 2. I asked a deceptively kind looking older female if I could share her table. (Not her life mind you, just the table.)

Me: Mind if I sit here?

Dumbass: Oh, no of course not! Oh my, (eyeing my books) you must be pregnant!

Me: Um, no, if I was, I wouldn't be torturing myself with books on trying to conceive.

DA: Oh. You should go on a cruise.

Me: Ah, yes, if only I had thought of that. It certainly would be cheaper. (I put on my best, don't talk to me I am reading face, to discourage any further interaction.)

DA: My friend couldn't get pregnant, because.... Oh, what is that thing that is in bananas?

(I stare blankly at her knowing full well what she means, but really working "the face")

DA: Oh, what do you call it, it was too low for a baby...Um...

(Oh dear Lord, just make it stop)

Me: Potassium! Its potassium! (I practically shouted)

DA: (startled) Oh yes, maybe that is your problem (oh lady you have no idea)

Me: Yeah, definitely. Its either that the stress from recently getting out of prison...

She suddenly remembered she had somewhere to be. Works every time.

And so the moral of the story is: don't give unsolicited fertility advice, unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences.

Get me a Whopper and a Super Big Gulp--Stat!

Send help.......

Fading fast.....

Not gonna make it......

Need cholesterol.......

When you drop your food on the floor and even the dog won't eat it, you know it tastes bad. Everything healthy tastes like cardboard, its not fair! I noticed 5 McD's, 2 In/Outs and 7 Carl's Jrs, on the way to work today. They called to me. "Hi. Remember me? It's been 42 hours since you came thru the drive thru. Look there is no line. Come on by. No one has to know. I sure won't tell anyone." Evil Satan McDs! When I've used up my allotted 27 WW points in the first hour of work, you know I am screwed.

Does Round Table Pizza count as fast food, cause they take a long time, so really it can't be considered "fast"....I may have found a loophole as wide as....My ass.

I Too, Can Look Like Anna Nicole Smith

Nevermind that I am brunette, 7 years younger, 6 bra sizes smaller and 100 IQ points higher. Its TrimSpa baby! I have decided, if I can't have the baby I want, I will have the body I want. Today I officially quit drinking caffeine sodas and I will no longer be eating fast food. That is, for 3 weeks out of every month. That one week that sucks-day 1-7 though, all bets are off. I am what my weight watchers guide calls a "grazer." Moo. I am all about the quantity of food. So I went to the store and bought appropriate snacks to munch on thru the night. Low in fat, lower in taste. Graves is the best shift to lose weight on because after about 4am I just don't feel like eating any more and then I sleep all day, sleeping through the hunger and all. My new police ID card says I weigh 106 pounds. (Snort!), maybe my skeleton but, alas, no. I am just so excited to finally have a new and decent ID card, I don't want to return it for corrections-again. My first ID card had the worst picture of my life on it. I DO need to lose a few pounds, but I do not weigh 300+ as the last picture suggests. Also, it looked like they had hired someone from the make a wish foundation. My hair was awful, my glasses were crooked and I had 3 chins. THEN that was the picture that got sent to all of the department in a "please welcome your new dispatcher" email. Needless to say, very few people came up to meet me based on the picture. When I did meet people, they really did do a double take. I am 5'8 about 155 so as you can imagine, they were quite surprisedby my miracle weight loss. My new picture, is the best DMV type photo I have taken in years. I look a little sleepy, (hey, that's expected on graves), but I have a nice happy smile and only one chin! My hair is still that awful weed-wacked haircut, but the highlights I put on it look great.

By the way, if you ever decide to do your own highlights, there is a part in the directions that says, "don't worry about the highlights "spreading" to the other parts of your hair, it won't happen." Um yeah, that's a lie. Today I was trying to stylishly clip back and tame a few of the angry layers when I noticed something underneath the top layer of hair. There is a one inch by one inch square of highlight. A perfect square,mind you, as if I planned it. I did not however decide to make such a unique hair decision. So now, I not only have to be skilled on the art of hairclipping, I also have to do it while hiding a square. Either that or I could try standing near very small windows, with sunlight shining in, and maybe people will think its just a light reflection.

So back to the weight thing, I am not really going to use any diet drugs. I'd like to, but not a good idea while trying to conceive. Speaking of conception, this month kind of sucks in that department. I feel like I wasted my $66 on Clomid this month. I was gone all last week, before that I only see my husband while we are sleeping and now the family is visiting. I feel like we need to bond or I don't know at least talk before this attempt. And getting us in the same room at the same time is hard enough right now. Then not only am I going to Oregon the next week, but I just found out we will probably be camping. I love camping but during the white bullet weeks? The logistics are bad enough but, the progesterone has to be refridgerated. How will I do that? What if I have to store it in a cooler with the beer and hotdogs? What if it gets eaten by a bear? These are the things I now have to think about, and none of it will matter if I don't see my husband this coming week! Argh. Oh well, I gotta go find some fat free potato chips or something. I've completely stressed myself out. Moo.

I Know the Way

I am looking forward to going home, I really am, but I am not in the mood to drive home. I am so glad to be off the Clomid(TM). For the 5 days I am taking it, I feel like I am off the Zoloft(TM). I have been on Zoloft(TM) for 9 years due to a chemical imbalance caused by meningitis when I was a teenager. Without it, I have severe depression and I am a little OCD. On it, I am totally 100% myself. For these past 5 days, I felt so...bleck! Today I feel back to normal. When I get pregnant I have some serious things to think about. Zoloft(TM) is in pregnancy class B with the FDA which means they do not know of any side effect on babies. I know of people who stayed on it and the baby was fine. Also, if I am not mentally in top form, well that would affect the kid too. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my pregnancy/baby when I finally get it. Sigh. Oh, well let's not buy the cart before the horse, as they say.
Enough stalling, I should go home now. Til later, goodnight.

P.S. The TM stands for TradeMark. Oh no is TradeMark a (TM)?

I'm Not Hostile I'm Bitter...

Oooohhh, I remember what I don't like about visiting my parents house--their neighbors. Ms. "If I'm in the same room with my husband when he sneezes I get pregnant" and her husband, Mr. "Look at me in all my yuppie manliness." Yeah, I didn't think there were yuppies anymore either, but turns out there are two left. They have FOUR beautiful, perfect featured children all a year apart from each other. Lucy, Finnegan, Ivy Rose and Coco Michelle. All with caramel colored hair and dark brown eyes. Oh, and did I mention that they are all well behaved! Gasp! And Mr and Mrs Perfect are nice, loving parents! The tragedy! The horror! I am hiding my jealousy well aren't I?

Then there are the other neighbors. They adopted a wonderful little boy from Kazakstan so they thought, hey lets go out and get another! So they go back and bring back a beautiful, little 3 year old girl named Beeba, who, I'm pretty sure is the spawn of Satan. She is conniving, no, diabolical. I overheard her say, "You better do what I say or I will get you in trouble with Mom." This was a concept she could express in a brand new language, just six months or so after learning it. Scary. I make light of it, but I am serious, she is like Damian.

My only solace? With names like Ivy Rose, Coco and Beeba I know where they're headed. (See post "The Name You Give Your Child May Lead Them to a Life of Crime") Mwoohohahaa!!!

THIS is What it's Come To?

OK, honey I can fit you in somewhere between my trip down south and my trip to Oregon. It's OK, it will work. You see, when I am down south visiting my parents, I will be in the mid-Clomid-Psycho range, so you really won't miss me anyway. Then 11 days later when I go to Oregon, it will have happened if it's gonna happen this time and I'll be mid-white-bullet Phase. This does present some logistical problems, for me. Whether or not it helps, and despite the fact that my doctor has told me "just laying down a few moments is fine," I must for those 14 days elevate my hips with two pillows every 12 hours for 15 minutes, (because I am convinced it I don't all the progesterone will "fall out") I am so fanatical about this ritual that when I had to do it at work one time, if you had come down to the parking garage on my break, to find me, you would have seen me laying upside-down in the front passenger seat, with my feet on the ceiling of the car and my head in the footwell. I take this very seriously.

So honey, back to where you come in. On Sept. 12th thru 21 I will need you to be available to me on a moments notice. I'm interested in Quantity not Quality so don't worry about the romance. What do you mean it doesn't sound like much fun? Honey this isn't about fun, this is hard work and down and dirty. Its go time. You need to think outside the box! Are you with me? Hello, Chris? Hon? (crickets chirping) Sigh.

The Name You Choose For Your Child, Could Lead Them to a Life of Crime

Trust me on this, as a police dispatcher, I know what I am talking about. If you name you child something they feel they can't live up to, they will probably turn to a life of crime. Some examples are:

• Bartholomew Hoover Smith
• Christopher Columbus Jones
• Albert Einstein Sanchez
• Alexander Jean Pierre Petrok the Third
• Freedom Justice Jackson
• Shawshank Chattergee (I just got this one tonight)

If you name your child after something organic, edible, plants or minerals, you are pushing your luck.
If you name your child something silly, they will probably turn to a life of crime. Some examples are:

• Gaylord Frumpknickle
• Jade Butterfly
• Marsha Mello
• Princess Diana Toothfairy( Some names have been modified a bit to protect the innocent but this one is totally real)
• Phillip D. Mugg

Here are some examples of really bad parenting, I have witnessed personally:

Today a man called to report that his 17 yr old son was out of control. When I asked his date of birth, he said, "I dunno, sometime in November I think." If you don't know your child's DOB, I can pretty much guarantee they will turn to a life of crime.

I called a mom to say her 13 yr old daughter was arrested, "Oh geez, how much is this going to cost me?" Nice.

A woman called 911 because her six year old was, "out of control" she asked if the police could come out and "put the handcuffs on, just to scare him." Ma'am you cannot use your local police department to discipline your child, that's your job. I got this type of call weekly when I worked for a really bigPolice Dept.

A mother of 7 called and asked if we could come get 2 of her children, because she "just can't afford that many." Enough said.

"My 14 year old, won't obey me I want him arrested." Well if you had started cracking down before the teenage years, maybe this would have been avoided.

Maybe my job makes me cynical, I don't know. I like to think I'll learn from others mistakes. My friend Erika, a 911 dispatcher with me, tells children who call 911 for fun, "I am going to have the police come get you and take you to little kid jail, the bars are closer together and the handcuffs are smaller, but don't think I won't do it!" I used to love sitting next to her.

Till later, goodnight

Ode to My Husband

I never claimed to have any poetry talent whatsoever but I've been thinking about how wonderful my husband is lately, so here goes it:

Ode to My Beautiful Husband

My husband Chris is oh so neat
I love that he never leaves up--the toilet seat
In front of me, my husband never passes gas
He says that kills the romance-he has such class!
He makes up songs to sing to the dogs
He is always the one who picks up their logs
My husband often bar-b-ques
His delicious burgers I can't refuse
He spends all his day fighting crime
He usually calls when he won't be home on time
My husband always let me be the inside "spoon"
Even after 7 years of marriage he still makes me swoon
He never makes me feel-no baby is my fault
I love you Chris more than steak love salt


XOXOXOXO Beck

Et Tu?

I got the most amazing, new and unheard of fertility advice....."It will happen when you stop thinking about it." Brilliant! And this was said by the pharmacist ringing up my OPKs, Clomid, Progesterone, Robitussin and my new basal temperature thermometer. Lady, can't you see by my purchases that if I "stop thinking about it" it is guaranteed not to happen. You expect to get this well intentioned advice from people who don't know any better, but hello the pharmacist????

Put All My Money on the Horse Named Gimpy

I knew, gosh darn it I knew and I got all hopeful anyway. I went to the horse races, I could have bet on the horse with the 10/1 lead-"Not gonna Happen" but no, I put all my hopes on the 3 legged, one eyed one. I knew that the pale spots of blood was my period coming early but I thought, hmm maybe, it's implantation bleeding.... I knew that I was tired and grumpy because of PMS but I thought, hmmm maybe... Silly, silly me, can I have my money back? Good news? I really am going to dye my hair the cutest color tomorrow.
I moped my way over to the store and refilled my Clomid and bought some Robitussin, and I thought, hey I'll get a nice haircut today to match the new color. Celebrate 'me', yay me.

To the haircutting lady, "Shame on you for asking me if I had any children. And double shame on you for giving me a bad Farrah Fawcett like hairdo." I just can't get a break today!

You will NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday. 2 days ago me and my co-workers had a meeting with the new chief of police. We talked about his expectations and what did we think he could improve. Well, we all (the dispatchers) banded together and agreed that it is not fair that we have to beg for a bathroom break. We all told him, there needs to be more compassion and regular bathroom breaks. The last day I worked I waited 4 hours for a bathroom break! Anyway, he was taken aback by our vehemence but was committed to changing things.

Flash forward to that evening. My husband came to visit me that night at work and he brought 2 of our dogs to visit too. It made me so happy to see them. The next day (yesterday) my boss called me. "Did you bring your dog to work with you yesterday?" She asked. "Yes." I admitted. "Did you let her wander around the police station?" "No. Well one time they ran off down the hall but I called for them to come back and they did." "Well, " she said, "one of them left a large pile of poop right in front of the new chief's office." OMG I have NEVER been so humiliated in my life!!!! Not only did the Commander have to clean up the poop, but I can't help think, what if the chief thinks this is my personal commentary on bathroom breaks!!!!! AAHHHH!!!! I am so glad I am on my days off, I don't think I could bear to show my face!

For anyone in the same "lack of a kid" boat as me, stay as far away from the checkout lane this week as possible. Don't say I didn't warn you. The cover of People magazine will make you barf. Good luck and be strong. :)

Confessions of a Closet Baby Sniffer

Among other things I like to torture myself with, is this book called, "Getting Pregnant Naturally" and one of the many suggestions is that smelling a baby, releases phermones that help cause pregnancy. I would have believed it but this same book recommends egg whites instead of K-Y...What about salmonella? Nevertheless, I asked my friend Dorothy if I could smell Trevor and she looked at me like I had a third head. From now on I will sniff in secrecy. I'll just pretend I am just leaning over near the kid, to pick something up and then take a big whiff. Also sniffing the baby's used clothes is supposed to have the same effect. I guess I could sneak into her hamper, but with my luck, she'd walk in right as I was mistakenly burying my face into a pair of her husbands boxer shorts.

2 more days until evil pee stick day. AKA 3 more days before I dye my hair with this great new color I found.

When Burritos Attack

Ugh. I think I am going to be sick. Again. I ate a burrito last night and it's been arguing with me all night long. Not only do I keep having to run to the bathroom, I can't just go like a normal person. I have to get a police officer to relieve me so that I can relieve myself. I can't leave the 911 phones unattended, you see, even though at times I've wanted to call myself and request medics. So every time these past 8 hours that I felt the need to run down the hall, first I have to call a police officer on the radio, request that he come to the station code 3, which usually takes quite a while. So by the time they finally get here, I'm hopping around from one foot to the other doing a little dance and they think I've gone insane. Then the longer I am in the bathroom the more self conscious I become, which only makes things harder, (not literally, unfortunately). Just now I grabbed a sergeant that was innocently walking by. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was??? Pretty darn. 15 more minutes til end of shift, I can make it, I just have to be firm, ha ha ha, just 15 tiny more minutes now, think happy thoughts...Oh no, send help