Sunday, October 03, 2004

The One Where I Cry Uncle

I can't do this anymore. Not right now. Emotionally, I am drowning. I have already told y'all that I take Zoloft for chemical depression. For whatever reason, I have come to believe the Clomid, and possibly the Progesterone must cancel out the benefits of Zoloft. I feel so horrible inside and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I am still going to have the laproscopy next month and I am planning on doing the IUIs, maybe in January or so, but the drugs have got to go. I am in agony and this is so not me. I did some research and this was listed on Clomid-side effects:

Mental depression; Existing depression may become worse because of hormone
changes caused by clomiphene

Why didn't my doctor tell me this? He said "You might get a little irritable". Honey, this ain't irritable this is down right irrational! On the other hand, research shows progesterone seems to soothe depression. It is estrogen that can tweak it... I am going to call my doc first thing in the morning and get an appointment. I can't do this alone, and if nothing else he needs to know first hand, what Clomid and a person with depression can cause; that this is a lot more serious than a little irritability. It is kind of scary because, I refuse to be controlled by this, but I have to be very careful how I go about getting "help." If I go to a mental health professional that could come back to bite me in the ass. I got stuck in backgrounds for over a month because I had originally been seen by a psychiatrist 8 years ago. I can only imagine, if I went for a job interview in the future, and they found out I went to one recently, (if I decide to). If my current job found out I could also get yanked from this position because they may worry that I am a liability. Yuck. I am having a yucky time. On my past day off, I stayed curled in a ball for hours crying. That's not healthy. I am going to make a commitment. Tomorrow, I am going to get outside, I am going to take the dogs somewhere and not dwell. I think I will go shopping, that always makes me feel happy. I am going to rent silly movies and do a puzzle. Damn it, I will fight!

*************Update 10/4 **********

I feel a lot better, already. Just making decisions and knowing I am not crazy helps alot. DH got the day off today, just to spend it with me, because he knows I am not feeling good. It is not easy for him to do this. In order to get the time off, he has to work at a CHP golf tournament until noon today after working all night. Such love!


Julie said...

I have never been more deeply mental than I was on Clomid. Seriously. It is the worst of all the fertility drugs I ever took: black moods, crippling headaches, powerful hot flashes, and the rest. It's awful stuff and I'm so sorry it's hitting you so hard.

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Anonymous said...

Okay, first off, that fucking clomid makes you nuts. It's NOT you. Believe me, my sister is (literally) mentally ill (schizophrenic, yeah) and you are NOT crazy, so take some comfort in that. I often fear, "oh, it's my turn to go nuts like her" which doesn't help when you're on all this crap.

Second, doctors SUCK when it comes to telling side effects. A little "irritable"?? Give me a fucking break!! I was ready to hack the mailman into a million pieces for delivering the wrong mail. Geez. I started on the injects (gonal-f) just to get off the clomid. Wasn't much better, only the side effects (me changing to Sybil) only lasted a few days vs. weeks on clomid. So, you may try that, ask your RE. Don't worry, you're not the only one who curls up in a ball and cries... and thank god for our dogs!! They've saved me more than a few times.
BIG hug for you... Jen (the vintage uterus)

Jen P said...

I hope you feel better soon. Clomid is sheer hell.

Best wishes and hope things get better really soon.

Soper said...

I've said it before -- Clomid is EVIL. EVIL EVIL EVIL.