Thursday, October 07, 2004

Open Letter to the Drivers of This Area

Dear Horrid, horrid, horrid, drivers,

Maybe it's not your fault. Maybe you can't help it or maybe you are unaware. Maybe your heads are so far up your collective asses, you can't see out the front windshield.... No matter what the cause, I am here to help. Here are some thoughts I had on the way to work today.

When you tailgate me, it does not inspire me to go faster, it only annoys me. Especially if I am not even in the fast lane.

That rubber blow up doll in the front seat, does not mean you can take advantage of the carpool lane.

When you swerve into my lane to avoid something else, you are not making a safe decision you are just changing the object you are about to hit.

Can you not understand the concept of merging? It is the same concept as zipping a zipper, try it sometime.

Do you understand, when I am trying to get on the freeway, and my lane is ending, when my only choice is hit you or hit the freeway wall, that I will choose you every time?

When I see you are talking on your cell phone, smoking a cigarette, putting on your mascara and looking at your map, forgive me when I doubt your ability to multi-task.

Just because you have your hazards on and are going really slow, doesn't mean you can drive on the shoulder in heavy traffic--that is not your own personal lane.

When an ambulance is coming up behind you-- get over to the right!!!! Don't, for the love of all that is good and true, just stop right where you are!

Everyone knows I love dogs, but get your stupid chihuahua off your lap and away from the window. It won't be so cute when he falls out and you have to scrape him off the roadway with a spatula.

If you are leaned so far back, you appear to be driving from the back seat, sit up straight, you look like an idiot.

If you are so short, you can only see by looking through the steering wheel, get yourself a phone book or a booster chair to sit on.

If the speed limit is 55 mph and you are going 2 mph, don't you glare at me when I honk.

If I can tell that the color of your sweater, really brings out the color of your eyes, you are following too closely.

If I can see that your child in the third row of your van has braces, you are following too closely.

Do you understand, that I am in a giant truck and you are in a tiny compact car, and that you cannot intimidate me by riding my bumper? All I can see is the roof of your car and it's not especially scary.

Can you not comprehend that just because I am not riding the bumper of the guy in front of me, it doesn't mean I am not going the same speed as them? Don't you remember drivers ed? Total Stopping Distance?

Don't you see when you angrily zip past me, and cut me off, only to have to ride the bumper of the car directly in front of me that I am laughing at you? Congratulations, you will arrive exactly 1 second sooner than when you were behind me.

When you and I come to a four way stop, and I am on the right, I have the RIGHT of way! Why is this concept so difficult for you to understand? Conversely, when I am the one on the left, you cannot deem fit for me to go first. With a wave of your hand, the vehicle code does not just go away.

If I am at a red light and there is a sign right above my car that says, "No turn on red" don't honk at me when I don't go.

When I am behind you and you are tapping on your brakes so often that I think you may be signaling for help with Morse code, cut it out! (Unless you really are doing Morse code, then I will call for help.)

Nothing infuriates me more that seeing a child jumping around loose in the car. If you don't care enough about your child, how about the fact that you may be severely injured by said child when they become a flying projectile?

If I have my turn signal on, it means I want to get over. It does not mean speed up just enough so I cannot get over until I miss my exit, and then decide get out of the way.

When your lane ends, you cannot drive next to me and share mine. Merge!

When I am behind you on the freeway onramp and we are both attempting to merge, you going 10 miles per hour is really dangerous for me. Say it with me, "Long skinny pedal on the right" Push it!

And the biggest most aggravating of all: TURN SIGNALS ARE NOT OPTIONAL, PEOPLE!!!!

Sincerely, Your Fellow Irate Driver


Becky said...

Silence. Nobody comments on this one. I think I was too angry and scared everyone away... I promise you, if you lived in this area it would be funny :)

Anonymous said...

Well I thought that was damn funny...The posts that one thinks others will leave a comment on go unoticed but the ones that are written badly, boring, and whiny one gets a bazillion comments. Go figure.

Alex here from the kitchens of the infertile gourmet