Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Lost Art of "Holding It"

Sometimes at my job, I have to "hold it" for hours, until someone relieves me (so I can relieve myself--HA!) It has gotten to the point, that I find myself accidentally "holding it" at home, at leisure, when visiting friends. It's really kind of sad. I remember a time when peeing was a right, not a privilege. Do you think it would be inappropriate if I began wearing Depends to work? Just to make my officers feel guilty and uncomfortable--when they come into the dispatch room to get their paperwork, I could stop mid-sentence, get a kind of glazed look in my eyes, while staring off into the distance, then say, "Ahhhhhh, I feel much better now. I'm sorry. What was I saying?" Hmm..Maybe not.

And now, some "cop jokes"

Q: How many police officers does it take to push a suspect down a flight of stairs?
A: None. He fell.

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."

What did the peanut say when it entered the police station? I've been a-salted!

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?A small medium at large.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

A cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "It's a pair of socks!"

All right, I'll stop the torture. BTW. While I was writing this, I choked on a Milky Way. Who am I supposed to call when I need help? If I called 911--I would have just got myself! Makes you think doesn't it? A final joke and 'Night!

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