Saturday, October 09, 2004

Oh, Oh, Pick me! Pick me!

I know that for us adoption is a very real option, in the future. Even after I do get pregnant and have my own kids, (how's that for positive thinking), I still want to adopt. I really want to adopt a deaf child, because I am fluent in American Sign Language and Chris is learning. So, I often lurk around the various adoption web pages. A recurring theme on all of these sites, are Home Studies. Uh oh. Do you have to do one of those? I can only imagine what ours would be like. Let's all imagine, shall we, that you can follow along via virtual tour as I meet with our social worker:

"Hi, sorry I am late, I just got off my usual 12 hour shift. Welcome to our home. It's a home that we don't own by the way, and sorry about the crappy neighborhood. I am pretty sure they are selling drugs across the street, too. Come on in. Oh, whoops, don't trip over Riley. Why yes she is a Pitt bull. And here's Gabby. Gabby, down. Down Gabby. Gabby, get down. Stop jumping on the nice lady! Oh, sorry about your dress...So here is our living room. No, no, that's not carpet, that's about 3 inches of dog hair on the floor--I haven't vacuumed in months. Hmm? Oh, no that isn't a dog in the corner it's just a really big hair ball! We only have four large dogs. Are you choking? Can I get you a glass of water? No? That's probably for the best, I don't have any clean glasses anyway. Also we were sent a letter recently from the city, asking us not to drink the water. Something about high levels of chlorine. Yes, it is pretty normal for me to have about 2 weeks worth of dirty dishes in the sink. No, no don't open the oven! Oops, you caught me, I hid some more of the dirty dishes in there. How embarrassing. Now, over here somewhere under all these magazines and bags is a really nice kitchen table. Oh no, that's not an unusual pattern on the linoleum floor, those are muddy dog prints! Here is the den/storage/future child's room. No, we didn't just move in, we've been here two years, I just haven't got around to unpacking, yet. Sorry about the bills scattered all over the desk here. I am trying to pay off some really big loans. Our credit is pretty crappy but we're working on it, (nervous laughter). We may be poor, but what we lack in money, we make up for with our rich personalities! Ha, ha, ha, ahem. You'd like to know where my husband is? Oh he couldn't make it, he is at the hospital. He got in a fight with an armed suspect who pulled a gun on him and a fight ensued. He's getting stitches. The suspect, not my husband, silly! That husband of mine, always getting into these madcap adventures, gun fights and high speed pursuits! (Awkward silence). Ok, um, moving right along, this is the bathroom. Oh, that? Yes the paint is peeling off the wall. I realize it's only one foot off the floor, and yes it is lead based, but don't worry I wouldn't let the kid lick the walls! Ha Ha Ha. Is it it warm in here, or is it just me. What am I thinking our Air Conditioner's broken, of course it's me! Who could forget the 100 degree summer we had! Um, yeah, so down here at the end of the hall is our room. Oh, that? That is the gun cabinet, we keep meaning to fix the lock on that. Oh my gosh, Xena! I'm sure this nice lady doesn't want that icky dead mouse! She's always bringing us 'presents'. Where are you going? What do you mean you have to leave? Ma'am come back! You forgot your purse...Sigh"

Yeah, I'm sure our prospects will be lining up around the block.


Jen P said...

What was it our social worker said? 'We don't expect you to be perfect..." Riiiiiiiiight. She also said that it's best if you don't 'overclean' your house before the home study because...dramatic music...sometimes they'll suprise you with visits!!!

Does that instill you with horror the way it does me???

And that's just the home study. We haven't even got into the financial side of things and the health and childhood questions. Good Times.

I don't think it's something to reeeeeally panic over at this point...that's what I keep telling myself. Sadly, the process is moving much quicker than we thought and I'm sooo scared they're going to start dropping by. Do you offer them a cup of tea and homemade cookies? A sandwich? A massage and thousands of dollars in cold, unmarked cash?

Sigh. Adoption scares me. Reading this really put a hilarious spin on it. I love your writing!!

Best Wishes

Anonymous said...

Just spend the weekend before the visit cleaning your arses off and hire people, if need be. At least that's what we did. Most SW's really want to approve you, so unless you've been convicted of a felony, they'll give you the rubber stamp of approval.

the middle way

Alana said...

Our lives are nutty... in a cute, haphazard way, not a drinking all night way.. .hence we face IVF as I fear an adoption agency would tell us to go away.

In truth I also want to adopt in a few years. Meanwhile the bio clock ticks and we are going for IVF.

Good luck with your journey, your description of a home study was hilarious.