Saturday, October 23, 2004

Things My Dogs Learn Part Deux

But first, THE COUNTDOWN. Only 7 more days until I begin my last year as a twenty-something. 10 days 'til election day, (I already wrote that post, I am just saving it in "storage":I have a special treat for y'all), 17 days until my laproscopy, 5 days til a fun Halloween costume party, 8 days until AF... wait a second... 7 days till, B-day.....8 days till AF. Wow this could be the best birthday ever--miracle pregnancy--or I could be curled up in a ball, praying for unconsciousness, I know which one has my vote! I finally got my Little Red Riding Hood costume in the mail and it is completely different than the picture. Only, this time that is a good thing because it is a lot cuter. I was writing down stuff in my day planner and I found a note I had forgotten I wrote. On Oct. 31st I wrote, "You're 29, are you pregnant yet?" I wrote that back when I first got the planner, back when I was still blissfully ignorant. Well, the October Me, scribbled it out and gave the December Me the finger. Speaking of me deserving the finger, I said something really hurtful to Chris today. I didn't mean it to come out so harsh, but it did and I really hurt his feelings. I said sorry, but I wish I could take it back. I can be a total dumbass, sometimes. Maybe it would smooth things over if I got him a concubine. Especially if we got a concubine who cooked and cleaned.

And now for my second installment of what my dogs need to learn:

1. I will not roll my humans wine coolers out the back door when they aren't looking. Besides I still lack the thumbs required to open the darn thing.
2. After 8 weeks of agility training, I will not decide that the last day, when my human's friends come to watch me, is the time to go running off all around the field. This was extremely embarrassing for my human.
3. I will not slam my beer bowl around the kitchen when it is empty causing my humans to make jokes about me being a mean drunk (One beer for 4 dogs makes for shiny coats because of the hops/barley).
4. All 4 of us do not have to go outside at exactly the same time as my human. Besides we all tend to all get stuck in the doorway.
5. I will not eat the entire couch, including the cushions and boards ever again. Even though we only did it to show Mom how much we missed her, when she came back from visiting her parents, she was not flattered.
6. At the dog beach, I will not walk up to some random girl who's sunbathing, and shake water and sand off, then sit on her bikini clad back.
7. I will not eat the puffy white faux fur off my moms new vintage leather coat, making the living room look like I have slain a sheep.
7 1/2. After destroying said jacket's faux fur, I will not look up at my mom with a giant white Santa beard so that she laughs too hard to scold me properly.
8. I will not perform autopsies my soft toys, just to remove the evil squeaky parts.
9. I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet.
10. I will not try to lick as many dirty dishes in the dishwasher as I can, before my head gets closed in it.
11. I will not follow my human from room to room just to keep her in eyesight, especially when she is trying to get ready for work; back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom. (Xs 4 )
12. I will not attempt to give my human a big sloppy kiss after licking my no-no for 10 minutes
13. I will stop eating my dad's food before he even gets a chance to taste it. (Gabby)
14. I will not, when I hear the sound of fireworks outside, panic and try to claw my way through my human. My mom screaming from pain never calms me down.
15. I will not lie down on the floor with my back legs spread open, especially not in front of company. This is not ladylike.
16. It is not necessary to always do a "random walk by licking" to anyone laying on the couch/floor/ground.
17. Although canines need a lot of exercise, it does not count as exercise when you eat your dad's weight bench!
18. I will not dig through the dirty clothes hamper and strew the laundry about the backyard.
19. I do not have to see what's inside the refrigerator every time it's opened. My head does not belong in there. Ever.
20. I will not begin slurping loudly in the middle of the night, on God knows what, causing my humans to whisper to eachother, "did you give the dog an ice cream cone?"
21. No matter how *ripe* my human's armpits are I will not dive into them and them come out snorting in disgust.
22. I will not wait until it is dead quiet and my humans are dozing to let out an enormous fart.
23.I don't have to be present every time the toilet is flushed, just so I can watch the water go round and round. (My Pitt puppy DEMANDS to watch every time.)
24. I will not attempt to dry my human's legs with my tongue every time she emerges from the shower.
25. I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb my human while she is sitting on the toilet.
26. I will not steal things from the bathroom trash and try to sneak off with them. If caught, I will 'fess up instead of trying to suck the object into the back of my mouth.
27 I will not use my nose to peek around the shower curtain while my human is washing her hair, causing a slight cardiac arrest.
28I will not walk across the linoleum floor, walk over to the only rug and barf.
29I will not "paint" my impression of a Jackson Pollock painting in diarrhea across the entire kitchen floor.
30.I will not paint said "portrait" under the heater vent, thus causing the smell to get sucked into and dispersed throughout the entire house.
31. I will not bury my kibble all over the house. Especially since I never go back to collect it anyway. Also, I will not eat my kibbles a few at a time by dumping them from my dish and eating them delicately from the floor, since I usually get distracted, run off and leave a small pile.
32. I will not snore so loudly my humans can't sleep//I shake the bed//or three of us snore in tandem like the 3 stooges.
33. I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on, not the carpet or down the front of my humans leg.

and finally the most important rule ever:

35. I will remember that the sound of crinkling cellophane or of a can opener, does not occur any where in the wild; we do not have to run expectantly into the kitchen, en masse, everytime we hear these sounds!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was too funny...

I am not sure why dogs are allowed to get away with so much stuff. Probably, no, it would have to be their cuteness. Sounds you have a wonderful house full of cuteness...

alex here from the kitchens of the infertile gourmet