Friday, October 08, 2004

Things I Have Injured Myself on Recently:

I have recently hurt myself on, around or near: a potato chip, a blanket, my bed, an ice cream cone, a soup can (while still closed with no can opener in sight), a fern, a couch cushion, a pair of socks and a tube of hair gel.

You have not met anyone as clumsy as me. And really bizarre things happen to me too. Usually in front of Chris or really large crowds. Let me give you a few examples.

When I first met my husband, when I was still in the wanting-to-impress-and-be-irresistible-to phase of our courtship, he said something sarcastic and I shoved him, in a coy, "you're so funny" way. He shoved me back and I went flying into the bushes. I sat there looking up at him through the foliage, laugh/crying because I was so mortified.

Last week we went for Baskin and Robbins and I slipped on some ice cream in the parking lot. I ended up doing the front-to-back splits, like a foot off the ground. I said, "Super Star" with my hands in the air like Mary Katherine Gallagher on SNL while onlookers stared.

Not long ago Chris and I went out to dinner at Red Robin and I ordered my favorite garden salad that comes with really thin little strips of tortilla strips on top. I bit down on my salad and one of the strips flew up my nose, but it had also gotten stuck on my bottom lip at the same time so I looked like a bulldog and had a tortilla strip up my nose! To make matters worse, I couldn't stop laughing which made it nearly impossible to dislodge it from my mouth, which had to be done before I could pull it out of my nose. 100% true with zero exaggeration. What did my husband do? He didn't even laugh, he is so used to this sort of thing with me. He just shook his head, and said, "Only you could get injured by a house salad."

One time I accidentally sent a computer message that was meant for a co-worker, asking her in "dispatcher language" if she wanted a break, but sent it out to all the police officers instead. So what, you may be thinking... I sent, "I heard you wanted a quickie" to about 20 officers, who needless to say, all felt the need to promptly reply.

I leave my fly down, get spinach stuck in my teeth and spill something on myself, pretty much on a daily basis. I am a one woman disaster. If I can mess up something while talking, I will. In college, I told my professor I would do my breast, I mean best! While classmates laughed. One time I raised my hand in math class, and said, "Mom, what did you say the answer was ..... " Then realized, OMG I just called the teacher mom! I've called a Police Sergeant, "Chicken Butt" (the nickname I have for Chris), and I have walked around an entire day with a dryer sheet attached to my pants. When I used to bag groceries in high school, I told a coworker, how much I loved the chocolate coins that our customer was buying, before the checker leaned over and hissed, "Those aren't candy, they are Gold Circle Coin condoms." My face is so often red.

And in closing, let me tell you how I embarrassed myself today. Our good friend Aaron brought his son Sean over, after they finished moving in next door. Aaron knows every detail about our infertile journey, we've known him since high school and he always asks for details. So Aaron says, "Sean, don't you want to go see Rebecca? Go see her. Go sit on Rebecca's lap. Why don't you go give Rebecca a hug. Go on Sean. Sean, aren't you so happy to see Rebecca? Rebecca loves you Sean." I couldn't take it anymore, I pretty much shouted, "Aaron, I know you are trying to make me feel better, but the poor barren woman does not need your pity! You don't have to practically throw your kid on me to make me feel better. I'm alright, OK?" Silence. "Um, Rebecca, I was only saying all that because, Sean has been talking about you non stop all day and then we come over here, and he is acting all shy...."
Well don't I feel like a horses ass. Again.


Stacy said...

I just knew I had a long lost twin sister out there somewhere. Glad to have finally found her/you!

Jen P said...

What a wonderful read!! I'm sorry so much happens to you, but it makes for an absolutely fabulous tale! Best wishes for a great weekend.