Things My Dogs Need to Learn

The following lessons are specific to my 4 strange dogs: Xena, Gabby, Bailey and Riley.

1. I will not lay down on the trail half way through the hike and refuse to move, I weigh 75 pounds and my humans can not carry me.
2. After surgery, I will not get my Shakespearean collar stuck in every doorway and just stand there until my human gets me out. I am capable of backing up alone.
3. I am part Lab, I will not be an embarrassment to my breed by swimming around in circles, panicked, until someone rescues me.
4. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table, and walk off with it.
5. I will not chase deer. They are too fast; I am too fat. And if by some miracle I ever caught one, it would kick the snot out of me.
6. I will not "play the cello" for extended periods of time . (Cleaning their no-no with back leg straight up in the air....)
7. When my humans throw a party, I will not knock over a table, drink all the spilled beer, and then run into the walls, I am just embarrassing myself.
8. When my human covers my doggie aspirin in peanut butter I will not lick it all off and throw the pill onto the floor.
9. After my chiropractor is done treating me and dad and him stay to chat, I will not huff and puff and pace to the front door, bonking at it with my nose until my human gets the point. He knows I want to leave.
10. I will not silently walk up to the side of the bed when my humans are being romantic and lick their faces. This only gets me thrown out of the room.
11. I will not walk casually into the room, wrapped in a sheet like a toga. (we couldn't figure out how she did it, so it just freaked us out.)
12. I will not drink sea water and then angrily glare at my human as if she made it taste bad.
13. I will not rub my wet nose all over the front windows (Times 4, = very dirty windows)
14. I will not jump from couch to couch and zip around the room at 90 mph when I get the "zooms." (If we clap and chant, "Go Xena. Go Xena. It's your birthday. Go Xena" she goes really fast.)
15. If I don't want the treat my human is handing out I can not take it, gently place it on the floor and expectantly wait for something better.
16. When my humans take me fishing, I will refrain from swimming out to where they are fly fishing to offer them my tennis ball. They are busy and I scare away the fish.
17. I will not attack the empty wrapping paper tube while my dad is shouting my name through it, like it's a bull horn.
18. I will not become an active part of everyone else's bathtime and then freak out when it is my turn.
19. I am a dog, not a bull. I do not need to charge the bedroom door when it is partly closed, and it hurts when it's latched.
20. When my humans are chatting in bed at night I do not need to repeatedly moan, sigh and groan loudly to let them know they are keeping me awake, their laughter when I do this, keeps me awake too.
21. I will not stand in front of the swamp cooler and then stare pointedly at my humans. They know I'm hot but it's expensive.
22. I will not excitedly pick up my ball and run around when my mom gets up in the middle of the night to pee. She has never suddenly gone outside at 2 am for a game of fetch in the past.
23. I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone out there.
24. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark and run to the door each time the Domino's Pizza commercial is on TV.
25. When I am in the lake with my humans, I am completely safe being held and can stop panicking and clawing at them.
26. I am a dog. This means that I can go outside to do my business when it's raining, without melting, and I don't have to daintily step around every single puddle. It's water not acid.
27. I will not cower and shiver in fear when the vacuum appears. It will NOT suck me in, nor has Mom EVER tried to run me over with it.
28. I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know whether my human asked for it or not.
29. I will not lay my 75 pound body across my mom's lap and then become annoyed with her, when I spill over the sides. It is not her fault I don't fit.
30. Even though I have the markings of a Holstein, doesn't mean I have to graze like one.

Man I love those poochies.