Boobies!!!! (Look But Don't Touch)

Poor, poor Chris. He has a brand new toy but he can't play with it. I am not a bossom-y woman, but, right now, my cups runneth over. But for the love of God, they hurt. Hurts to be hugged, lay on my tummy, breathe. I feel like, hey, look at this shiny new toy, no don’t touch it is for looks only. Chris says, “Hey where’d you get those?” and tells me, “I have a legal document that says I can see them whenever I want.” Ah, such sweet ignorance.

**********THAT Is NOT a Cone of Silence*************

So my dogs were tracking mud into my house and it was driving me insane! I would stop each dog by the back door, have them walk around on a sheet, then wipe each paw off and then mop up any excess mud off the floor. Times four!!!!! So Chris put down tarps in the backyard. While he was doing that, Xena my extremely smart alpha dog, is watching what he is doing. Suddenly she walks up to where Chris was working, turns around, poops and pees then turns around and tried to kick it at him! Chris said, “I wasn’t even mad, I was impressed actually.” Apparently she doesn’t approve of our idea. Speaking of Xena, yesterday we saw her licking obsessively at her leg, (German Shepard’s are notoriously OCD.) So Chris turns her over and begins inspecting her leg while I hold the flashlight. “Beck,” he says, “I need the cone of silence.” So I stop yapping and get real quiet. After a moment he turns around and says, “Beck, go get the cone for around her neck. Remember that’s what we call it?” Oh, yeah! Boy did I feel dumb! I wondered why he was suddenly quoting Maxwell Smart! So poor Xena has to where the upside-down lampshade until the vet appointment tomorrow and man is she pissed. See she is so smart that when we make jokes, like “How’s that disc picking up reception?” or (whispered) “Don’t talk too loud, everything is super-amplified for her.” Or “The Xena dog can hear small woodland creatures up to 3 miles away, but only in the direction she is facing.” Xena gets mad and leaves the room or turns her back on us. So, today she got her revenge. While I was trying to take a nap, Xena and her cone, got stuck in the bushes under my window and she made quite the racket de-tangling herself. Then she started barking and wouldn’t you know that thing acts as a natural bull horn? And finally as if I wasn’t awake enough, Riley goes and stands in front of Xena wagging her tail, which then bangs on the cone like a drum. So I am very tired right now.

Yesterday I told Chris, “I am really proud of myself because I am eating really healthy.” I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t stop laughing. Probably had something to do with the fact that, at that moment I happened to be carrying an extra large pepperoni pizza. “Oh, well besides this I mean.” I am losing my mind! I have put things in the trash that belong in the fridge and vice versa. I tripped over the bean bag and “rode” it across the room like a surf board. I not only knocked over the dog’s food bowl, somehow I manage to knock half of the food about 15 feet, the other half flew into the air and landed in the water bowl. I walked into the living room carrying the dog food filled water bowl, Chris looks up and goes right back to reading the newspaper. “I am not even going to ask.” he said. Knowing me, he ain’t seen nothing yet!