I Should Have plead the Fifth

I lost the internet at my house again. Well that isn't totally accurate. I know where it went. We had to take our primary internet source in for service (the laptop), and we tried to hook up to it with our old computer. That didn't work so well. It kept freezing. Oh well. I really don't have anything exciting to say. My bean has a heartbeat, beginnings of arms, legs, eyes and lungs. It now has progressed from eel to tadpole. I was showing Chris a picture on the internet of a 7 week old baby so he could see what we may be seeing on Monday and it said, "yolk sac." Chris said, "What do they think we are we having, a chicken?" He doesn't like some of the terms like gestation. He says, "Beck, it isn't an alien, I hate it when people say gestation, and please don't say embryo or fetus, call it a baby." Which is really funny because he calls the baby "Pari" (pronounced Perry), which of course has a story attached to it. It is one of those, you had to be there stories that I have no doubt I will eventually torture you with--but I just know it won't seem as funny when I tell it. Chris is still being awesome about filling up the gas and making dinner, and letting me lay around groaning while he looks on sympathetically. Oh, I have morning sickness now. What a lie. It starts about 10am and lasts until about 2pm. Then every time I get hungry it comes back. And stays. I haven't thrown up yet, it is more of a constant annoying kind of nausea. I have dry heaved, which is a lot of fun, so I have no doubt it's coming. Ginger snaps and saltines sometimes work. All the books say it is a sign of a good, viable pregnancy so, even though I hate it, I am secretly thrilled. Sort of. I am still so thankful I have gotten this far, but I am so scared that Monday the black spot where the baby should be will be empty. I can't remember what it is called, but it is where there is the yolk sac and your body still thinks it is pregnant but the baby wasn't viable and left a while ago. Almost as much as I would miss the baby, I would miss Chris' innocence. Never again would he wake me up with, "Today we have hands!" (Yesterday.) I know he would be totally quiet about it when we got pregnant the next time. Again, I still thank God every time I go to the restroom and there is no blood, and every single day I am so very grateful. I will just feel soooooo much better after Monday. Also, I am going to ask my doc if he thinks I should stop taking my Zoloft. I have already cut down to 50mg every 2-3 days, but Chris really wants me to stop. I am so scared to stop, I am afraid I will crash. I realize my fear may be unfounded, but it is very real. I took myself off of it one time and crashed so hard. I wouldn't be scared at all but it takes 5 days to clear out of the system and about 30 to get back it. So, if I stop and I do crash, those four weeks will feel like an eternity. Stress is really dangerous for an unborn baby too. Also, I can't imagine having the job I do now and being able to function in it if that happened. No matter what, I will do whatever the doc recommends on Monday. Anyone have any thoughts on the matter? Over and over again I hear of people whose sister/friend/cousin stayed on it and everything was fine but...

Moving right along, I "snuck" a hamburger from Carl's Jr today. I haven't eaten any fast food in weeks, but I was dying for a burger. The other day I told Chris, "The baby wants a hamburger from Carls Jr." and he said, "MY kid wants healthy food. If you want a hamburger, I will grill one for you." Very sweet of him, but he never got a chance. This was the best hamburger I ever had. I am ravenous, lately. I literally scared a waiter at the Olive Garden. I politely requested breadsticks. Breadsticks, breadsticks, yummy, yummy breadsticks, gotta have them to dunk in my all you can eat soup-salad and breadsticks. Well they took forever, and then the waiter finally brought them, he had them on a tray, and Chris says I was staring at the basket like I was going to knock the waiter over and take everyone's share. (I thought about it.) He says the waiter saw the crazed look in my eyes and it scared him. I don't know if that is true, but for the rest of the meal he stood about 4 feet from the table when asking if we needed anything, while glancing nervously at me. Chris has started calling me, Hoover.

I got subpoenaed for a case I dispatched in AUGUST!!! I ended up being the key witness at a probable cause hearing. I was so nervous! AND I kept leaving my pants zipper down all morning! Luckily I caught it right before I took the stand. The defense attorney was a barracuda! She was just like those slimy ones on TV. I remembered a key point, clear as day, that I had previously said I was not comfortable having on record my recollection. Boy did she latch onto that like a blood-sucking leech. So afterwards, I am in the hallway chatting with the officers about this one lady who used to work with us, and I say, "Boy, talk about an angry, bitter woman." And I turn around and come face to face with the defense attorney. Gulp. She stares at me, I stare back. Did I just let the awkward moment pass? No, I said to her, "I don't mean you." She just looked at me like I was a complete ding dong. No surprise there. Good news is, the good guys (us) won. Yay! While I was writing this, I just called an officer in for "code 2 ½" cover which is just short of lights and sirens, so I could go hurl. That was fun. I don't remember eating broccoli, though. Hmmm.... Til later, goodnight!