Congratulations! You Are Having a Baby EEL!

So, my buddy Alicia gave me a stack of pregnancy books to peruse, most of them seem full of propaganda and scare tactics. One of them is just so gosh darn funny I thought I would share some of it with you. It is called “A Child is Born” and it is pregnancy from a biological/scientific standpoint. It shows every phase from pre-conception to some really frightening birth pictures. Gestation-wise I am at 3 weeks and the picture looks like an eel. Either that or Janice from Dr. Teeth’s Electric (Muppet Show) Band. Anyhoo here goes my mockery of this fantastic book, come gentle readers, join me.

Book: Within a private, timeless world, events are taking place that will enrich and change forever the lives of two loving human beings.

Reality: Private? Even my mailman knows my cycle at this point….

Book: The swimming sperm, the dancing ovum, all the secret phenomena inside the woman’s body are matters of which the two expectant parents—the man and woman who love each other—are oblivious.

Reality: The man and woman were about to throttle each other, if I remember correctly. Also, if my ovum dance as poorly as I do, no wonder it took so long to get pregnant—I am a horrible dancer.

Book: Unaware of events in the depths of her body, the young woman and her partner rejoice in their love.

Reality: Um yeah. I think that was right about the time my progesterone was making me insane and my husband was only rejoicing when I left for work. It was getting to the point where he would enter a room calling, “Do not injure me. I come in peace. My people mean you no harm…”

Book: At eight days, the blastocyst has landed! Like a raspberry on a cake it sinks slightly into it’s foundation.

Reality: Say what? I’ve got nothing... Although cake sounds really good to me right now.

Book: As early as 10 days after ovulation the woman may feel tired and irritable. Her partner does not always understand what this is all about, and may perhaps think he has said or done something wrong.

Reality: Oh no honey, he has done something wrong. I’m just not quite sure what it is yet…

And that is as far as I have gotten so far. Monday I am at 5 weeks! Yay! And now, I will close with some of the funny, silly, wacky things my husband has done/is doing. He has personally put himself in charge of this pregnancy. (I’m calling him the Pregnancy Police.)

*Sniffed my soda to make sure that is was in fact Root Beer not Coke.

*Packed my lunch every day with nutritious items because, “My baby is not eating fast food.” (Today I got a surprisingly delicious home made salad. I was a little concerned at first when I saw he had put Dorritos in it.)

*Has walked around for days saying, “You’re my baby’s mama!” In a strange “ghetto” accent.

*Picked up all prescriptions so I could get an extra hour of sleep.

*Filled my gas tank, so I wouldn’t harm the baby with gas fumes.

*When I told him I have been walking on my lunch breaks, said “Good now I won’t have to strap you’re a@# to a treadmill.” (I am a notorious non-excerciser.)

*Discussed, in depth, creating an off-road stroller with a compartment for his duty-weapon with his brothers.

*Officially kicked the dogs out of the guest room, because, “That’s the baby’s room now.”

*Knows every important date coming up and has filled out the calendar himself, to chart important milestones.

*Doesn’t understand why there is no point in getting an ultrasound at 4 ½ weeks, even if we pay for it ourselves.

*Let me know that he told the dogs about the pregnancy, and they are OK with it.

*Sat down and tried to read “The Expectant Father” all the way through in one sitting, the day after we found out we were pregnant, then got exasperated and said, “No one is that stupid.”

*Became annoyed when I stopped reading aloud from “What to Expect When You are Expecting.”

*Burst into the bedroom this “morning,” happy to wake me up in time for work---an hour early. He made me dinner though, that totally made up for being unable to fall back asleep.

*Was asked to pick up Orange Slice at the store. When he discovered there was none on the shelf, walked into the store room, past a surprised employee and took one from the shelf back there. Told the employee as he walked back out, “I am just going to take this, OK? Don’t worry I am going to pay for it.”

So that is my wonderful husband. He is doing great and really being a part of everything. I think I am going to strangle him, soon. Just kidding, Chris!!!!!! Well that is all for now, thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and well wishes, please keep them coming.