Oh Cruel Irony

So, my co-worker John and I traded an hour today. I got to come in at 8 pm instead of 7 pm, thus earning myself an extra hour and a half of sleep due to no more traffic. Then today I will stay until 8 AM for him. I was so exhausted when I got home yesterday, I thought I would sleep soundly until the alarm went off at 6:20 PM. Ha Ha Ha Ha. No. I woke up, BOING wide awake at 3 PM. Are you kidding me? Normally I wouldn't even have to wake up until 5 PM! So, I tried to go back to sleep, I tried everything. Usually when my thoughts won't stop racing, all I have to do is write down whatever is on my mind and then I can sleep. Two pages later, still thinking. I tried every trick in the book. I counted backwards, I meditated, I visualized, but try as I might my inner monologue would not, no matter what, shut the H$%# off. Come, gentle readers, enter with me, deep into my warped little mind, see what agony I endured. We join my thought process already in progress:

I have got to fall asleep or I am going to be so sorry tonight, long about 2 AM. Sleep. Sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. S-L-E-E-P. Pee. Do I have to pee? Maybe a little. If I get up right now, even if I don't really have to, then I can probably sleep better later. But if I get up right now, I'll really, really wake up, then I might never get back to sleep. I'll wait. Wait. Waaaaaaaaaaaaait. Wait wait-bo-bait banana-nana--Cut it out! Wow, that bird, right outside my window, sounds like it's saying "Mine, mine" That's weird. I've got to relax. Relax, relax, relaaaaaaaax. Relax. Relax, (humming) go to it, when you want to go do it, relax, go do it, when you wanna goooo. I think that's a Duran Duran song. From like the eighties. Holy cow, the eighties. Eighty. (At this point I counted back slowly from 80.) Well, that didn't work. At. All, aaaallllll A-L-L. Do they still make A-L-L laundry detergent? (Singing) Mama, keeps the clothes bright like the summer, Mama's got the magic of Clorox bleach. Great, now I am singing commercials. [Mine, mine, mine] Oh that stupid bird. Shut up bird! Bird, bird, flippin the bird. Bye-bye birdie. Bird on a Wire. That was a funny movie. Who was in that...Goldie Hawn and........Mel Gibson! Meeeeelll Giiiibsoooon. I liked Braveheart a lot. Lethal Weapon, too. Lethal Weapon 4? Not so much. Gotta quit while you're ahead. Ahead. Head, head head. Riley is such a meat head. Speaking of Riley and meat, note to self: just because the Pup-eroni sticks, smelled exactly like Slim Jims, does not mean it was rational to think they would taste like Slim Jims. And the fact that I hadn't eaten all day, did not justify me sampling the dog treats. What was I thinking anyway, that was nasty. And stupid. Stupid, stooooooopid. Gotta get to sleep. S-L-E-E---wait, not going to go down that path again. Geez. What else can I do? I'll try deep breathing. In, out. In, out. Innnn and oouuut, In and out. In and out, that's what a hambuger's all about. Oh! I keep forgetting to buy stamps. Stamps. Stamps. Don't forget the stamps. StampsStampsStampsStamps. My belly button hurts. Hurts like a mo-fo. Got glue in my belly. Bellybellybellybellybelly. Belly. I pulled the strangest thing out of my belly button today. It was like--you know what I am going to stop myself right there. I am not even interested in the rest of that thought. I have to sleep! What else can I try. Pretend you are melting into the bed. Your limbs and extremities are melting, melting. "I'm melting, melting! I'll get you, my pretty and your"--stop it. Melting, melting, oh, I need to remember to pick up some hot chocolate on the way to work. 7-11 or Starbucks though? 7-11 is better but Starbucks is closer and I can get a pumpkin scone. Pumpkin. Officer Nick said "punkin", on the air, the other day. That was funny. That reminds me, I wonder when Jamba Juice will start serving their Pumpkin Smash. Yummy. Like pumpkin pie in a cup. Hmmm, described like that, it doesn't sound so good. But it is. If I could just keep my mind blank. Blank. Blank. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank. Like a blank check. Oh, I have to remember to pay the Metro bill. Can't do that without the stamps. I know I am going to forget the stamps. StampsStampsStampsStampsStamps. OK, if I go to Albertson's and get store-bought Frappaccinos instead of hot chocolate, then not only can I get some Advil for my belly-button, I'll save time and I can buy stamps. Stamps! And maybe some OPKs. But only if they are on sale because we aren't trying this month. Gotta wait 2 weeks. 2 weeks. Well, it has been 10 days. I could test and then, only then, if it is positive, maybe we could... I think it's been long enough. 10 days is almost the same as 14 days, right? What's the worst that could happen (mental image of the worst that could happen.) OK then. 2 weeks it is. 2 weeks. Aaaaaahhhhh. I think I finally feel relaxed. Ready to go to... Zzzzzzzzz [Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!] You have got to be kidding me, I just barely closed my eyes!!!!!!!

And so here I sit, at work, at 5 in the morning, very tired. Tonight, I,m drinking a fifth of something or taking Nytol. Nytol will help you get your zzzzz's--Argh, now don't you start that again!

PS Make sure you enlarge the image, and zoom in, (and Chris ignore the price), and check out the dress I ordered online for the CHP Christmas dance. Va va va voom!