Go, Perry, Go!

I am sorry this is a day late, I hope I didn't worry anyone. I am just having a really rough time with my morning/noon/night sickness. So, Perry looks fantastic. According to his size, (I picked "he" so I can be consistent, but I would be thrilled boy or girl) he is only 6 weeks and 4 days today. Not too far off; just 4 days. My new projected due date is September 16th. That means we found out REALLY early! His little heart was beating so fast and strong, go Perry go!!!!! Chris and I didn't want the U/S to be over so fast. Yes, we got our pictures, but we wanted to watch that heart beat longer! I wish I could post the picture but if you go here, he looked almost identical to this, but he was attached to the top of the circle in our picture. Too soon to tell even, which side was the head. So, here goes the story, of why we call him Perry, but be forewarned it just won't be funny... So before Chris admitted to wanting to have kids, he used to say, since they feed off the mom like a host, a baby in the womb was sort of like a parasite, from a scientific point of view. Flash forward to when we started trying. I said we could call the baby Pari/Perry in reference to Chris' former theory. Well, Chris had forgotten all about that conversation AND he had quite a nice buzz going and he says in this dopey voice, "Perry the parimecium!!!" and I was like, "Nooooo, remember?....." Then we got a case of the giggles. So there you have it. Not that exciting. So my doc wants me to stay on my Zoloft. He wants me mentally fit, for the baby. I am relieved. He is also having me try extra vitamin B6 and 1/3 tablet of unisom before bed for the nausea. [Disclaimer: Do not try that w/out talking with your doctor. Had to say it.] He, however is thrilled, that I have been puking. He says, "Fantastic! That means he's healthy, I love to hear it. More puking!" So as I bow in deep reverence to the ceramic bowl, I try to keep that in mind! Love you all, talk to you soon!

I Should Have plead the Fifth

I lost the internet at my house again. Well that isn't totally accurate. I know where it went. We had to take our primary internet source in for service (the laptop), and we tried to hook up to it with our old computer. That didn't work so well. It kept freezing. Oh well. I really don't have anything exciting to say. My bean has a heartbeat, beginnings of arms, legs, eyes and lungs. It now has progressed from eel to tadpole. I was showing Chris a picture on the internet of a 7 week old baby so he could see what we may be seeing on Monday and it said, "yolk sac." Chris said, "What do they think we are we having, a chicken?" He doesn't like some of the terms like gestation. He says, "Beck, it isn't an alien, I hate it when people say gestation, and please don't say embryo or fetus, call it a baby." Which is really funny because he calls the baby "Pari" (pronounced Perry), which of course has a story attached to it. It is one of those, you had to be there stories that I have no doubt I will eventually torture you with--but I just know it won't seem as funny when I tell it. Chris is still being awesome about filling up the gas and making dinner, and letting me lay around groaning while he looks on sympathetically. Oh, I have morning sickness now. What a lie. It starts about 10am and lasts until about 2pm. Then every time I get hungry it comes back. And stays. I haven't thrown up yet, it is more of a constant annoying kind of nausea. I have dry heaved, which is a lot of fun, so I have no doubt it's coming. Ginger snaps and saltines sometimes work. All the books say it is a sign of a good, viable pregnancy so, even though I hate it, I am secretly thrilled. Sort of. I am still so thankful I have gotten this far, but I am so scared that Monday the black spot where the baby should be will be empty. I can't remember what it is called, but it is where there is the yolk sac and your body still thinks it is pregnant but the baby wasn't viable and left a while ago. Almost as much as I would miss the baby, I would miss Chris' innocence. Never again would he wake me up with, "Today we have hands!" (Yesterday.) I know he would be totally quiet about it when we got pregnant the next time. Again, I still thank God every time I go to the restroom and there is no blood, and every single day I am so very grateful. I will just feel soooooo much better after Monday. Also, I am going to ask my doc if he thinks I should stop taking my Zoloft. I have already cut down to 50mg every 2-3 days, but Chris really wants me to stop. I am so scared to stop, I am afraid I will crash. I realize my fear may be unfounded, but it is very real. I took myself off of it one time and crashed so hard. I wouldn't be scared at all but it takes 5 days to clear out of the system and about 30 to get back it. So, if I stop and I do crash, those four weeks will feel like an eternity. Stress is really dangerous for an unborn baby too. Also, I can't imagine having the job I do now and being able to function in it if that happened. No matter what, I will do whatever the doc recommends on Monday. Anyone have any thoughts on the matter? Over and over again I hear of people whose sister/friend/cousin stayed on it and everything was fine but...

Moving right along, I "snuck" a hamburger from Carl's Jr today. I haven't eaten any fast food in weeks, but I was dying for a burger. The other day I told Chris, "The baby wants a hamburger from Carls Jr." and he said, "MY kid wants healthy food. If you want a hamburger, I will grill one for you." Very sweet of him, but he never got a chance. This was the best hamburger I ever had. I am ravenous, lately. I literally scared a waiter at the Olive Garden. I politely requested breadsticks. Breadsticks, breadsticks, yummy, yummy breadsticks, gotta have them to dunk in my all you can eat soup-salad and breadsticks. Well they took forever, and then the waiter finally brought them, he had them on a tray, and Chris says I was staring at the basket like I was going to knock the waiter over and take everyone's share. (I thought about it.) He says the waiter saw the crazed look in my eyes and it scared him. I don't know if that is true, but for the rest of the meal he stood about 4 feet from the table when asking if we needed anything, while glancing nervously at me. Chris has started calling me, Hoover.

I got subpoenaed for a case I dispatched in AUGUST!!! I ended up being the key witness at a probable cause hearing. I was so nervous! AND I kept leaving my pants zipper down all morning! Luckily I caught it right before I took the stand. The defense attorney was a barracuda! She was just like those slimy ones on TV. I remembered a key point, clear as day, that I had previously said I was not comfortable having on record my recollection. Boy did she latch onto that like a blood-sucking leech. So afterwards, I am in the hallway chatting with the officers about this one lady who used to work with us, and I say, "Boy, talk about an angry, bitter woman." And I turn around and come face to face with the defense attorney. Gulp. She stares at me, I stare back. Did I just let the awkward moment pass? No, I said to her, "I don't mean you." She just looked at me like I was a complete ding dong. No surprise there. Good news is, the good guys (us) won. Yay! While I was writing this, I just called an officer in for "code 2 ½" cover which is just short of lights and sirens, so I could go hurl. That was fun. I don't remember eating broccoli, though. Hmmm.... Til later, goodnight!

My Power of Smell has Increased---Not My Powers of Observation

I am so lost in the sauce. I keep forgeting what I am talking mid-sentence. When Chris read, the hormones will make me forgetful, he said, "Beck, you can't get forgetful! Everyone knows when I come home I hang up my brain with my badge. If you don't remember to pay the bills who will?" Good point. Yesterday I washed my face with my glasses still on. However, my sense of smell is amazing. I FOUND a pepperoni pizza at work the other day that was downstairs, around the corner and behind two closed doors. Quite impressive if I do say so myself. Several of the zits on my chin have joined together and formed superpowers, sigh. On a lighter note...Today is six weeks! Yay! One week 'til my ultrasound! Yay! Still no morning sickness! Yay! Except when I get hungry. It actually scares me a little because all the books say morning sickness means less of a chance at miscarriage. I will feel better when I see the little bean with my own eyes. Remember I said, Chris and I were the first of our friends to get married and the last to have kids? I just found out how this finally works in our favor. I am getting others baby stuff! My wonderful friend Sabrina is letting me have clothes and a swing, and my other friend Alicia is giving me books and if I need it a crib. Score! Pretty cool, huh?

So today I went for a long overdue eyebrow waxing with my favorite lady. So I am sitting in the chair and she says, "I have to do this." And swoop, smack rip, before you know it I am mustache free. It looks great but she didn't even ask! I was a bit startled. Chris was there, showing his support through laughter...I love that lady though. After we paid she ran to the back and brought out a teddy bear. "Baby first present!" She is such a sweetie, even if she did de-hair me with out my consent. I can't think of anything else to say.... I had a lot to tell you and I forgot it all. Maybe I will remember tomorrow. Til then, bye!

My Child is Already Behind the Learning Curve--Fooey!

I saw an ad in a magazine for Pre-natal education. I will say it again. Pre-natal education. All together now, Pre-natal education. I feel as if I have gone insane. Prenatal natal education. For the baby. While it is still inside. Totally crazy. Anyway, at 5w4d I am still lucky to have no morning sickness, but I do have the runs. A lot. I can also smell things from up to, but not limited to, 5 miles away. Which is both cool and really annoying, depending on if it is like, a chocolate cake or a skunk. Also, my face is broken out soooooo bad. It has never ever been this bad. I know it is the extra hormones, and I’ll take this over morning sickness, though I preferred the flatulence. It’s all on my chin and jaw and they are the yucky big ones that really hurt. Chris was especially helpful dispensing care and advice, about this a few days ago.

Me: Chriiiiiiiiis, (wailing pathetically) look at my chin, it hurts.
(Chris leans in REAL close.)
Chris: Oh my gosh, that looks so bad. Oh wow, there are so many!
(Leans in farther)
Me: Yeah there’s like ten.
Chris: No, there is way, way more than that. Oh, wow. Is that normal?
Should we call the doctor?
Me: No, it’s just the hormones.
Chris: It’s like, really, really red too.
Me: Yes I know. (Regretting calling it to his attention.)
Chris: Let me go get the flashlight and my glasses….
Me: I am not one of the dogs! Forget it. Really, it’s not that bad.
Chris: Well it is bad.
Me: Fine, it’s horrific, I am a nasty, nasty monster (throwing the covers over my head)
just leave me alone to wallow in my ugliness.
Chris: Aren’t you late for work?
Me: Argh!

He made up for it later though. He saw me applying cover-up.

Chris: No, Beck, don’t you’ll make it worse!
Me: No, this stuff is hypo-allergenic and besides, I’d rather cause more than go to work like this, it’s too humiliating.
Chris: Well. I don’t think you should wear it. Besides if anyone says anything, tell them you’re pregnant. And if they don’t think you are as beautiful as I do, I’ll beat them up.

Forgiven. He is also forgiven because today, he woke me up for work by saying, “Wake up! Guess what we got today……Arms!” and yesterday it was, “Time to wake up! Guess what we got today….eyes!” I have stopped trying to tell him, that it is just the beginnings of, each of those because he says, I am just being a downer and also he is just so gosh darn adorable about it. He checks my lunches to make sure they are “pregnancy rated.” And cooks dinner specifically designed to what he feels, “the kid needs today.” He is so much fun. Speaking of fun, I am asking my officers today if they can give me some of their yellow “Police Line: Do Not Cross” tape. I am going to take it home and wrap it around my sore chest, I can’t wait to see what Chris says.
And now I will close with a very funny dog/Chris story. Well funny to me anyway, Chris and Xena may beg to differ. So remember I told you Xena has that “hot spot” she won’t stop licking? Well we felt bad that she still had to wear the cone so Chris bought some hot spot spray and then some spray for both her and Bailey, called “Fooey” that is supposed to be the most “bitter tasting all natural product in the world.” So Chris sprayed it on Bailey’s “hot spot” and rubbed it into her paw. Bailey licks it and then sneezes. She then proceeds to hold her foot as far away from her nose as possible while she continues to whine dramatically. Cool, Chris thinks, this really works! Now maybe Xena can stop wearing the cone of silence. So he took her cone off and put some “Fooey” on Xena. Xena goes; lick, lick, lick. Hack! Hack! Hack! (pause) lick, lick, lick. Hack! Hack! Hack! Back on goes the cone. Chris then, wiped a hand over his face/mouth in frustration. And then he licked his lips….. and Chris goes; Lick….Hack! Hack! Hack! Sneeze! Hack! “Oh my gosh that IS the most awful tasting stuff in the world!” And quickly goes into the bathroom and pours mouthwash onto his toothbrush, then toothpaste and brushed for a very, very long time. Oh, and while this was going on, Riley must have got some in her system too, and she threw up. “Beck, “ said Chris, “ It looked like the “&” symbol on the type/keyboard. Almost as if she was trying to say, ‘aaand’ “ Maybe you had to be there, but the whole re-telling/reenactment by Chris had be laughing hysterically. Ok, well that is all for now. Talk to you guys later!

Boobies!!!! (Look But Don't Touch)

Poor, poor Chris. He has a brand new toy but he can't play with it. I am not a bossom-y woman, but, right now, my cups runneth over. But for the love of God, they hurt. Hurts to be hugged, lay on my tummy, breathe. I feel like, hey, look at this shiny new toy, no don’t touch it is for looks only. Chris says, “Hey where’d you get those?” and tells me, “I have a legal document that says I can see them whenever I want.” Ah, such sweet ignorance.

**********THAT Is NOT a Cone of Silence*************

So my dogs were tracking mud into my house and it was driving me insane! I would stop each dog by the back door, have them walk around on a sheet, then wipe each paw off and then mop up any excess mud off the floor. Times four!!!!! So Chris put down tarps in the backyard. While he was doing that, Xena my extremely smart alpha dog, is watching what he is doing. Suddenly she walks up to where Chris was working, turns around, poops and pees then turns around and tried to kick it at him! Chris said, “I wasn’t even mad, I was impressed actually.” Apparently she doesn’t approve of our idea. Speaking of Xena, yesterday we saw her licking obsessively at her leg, (German Shepard’s are notoriously OCD.) So Chris turns her over and begins inspecting her leg while I hold the flashlight. “Beck,” he says, “I need the cone of silence.” So I stop yapping and get real quiet. After a moment he turns around and says, “Beck, go get the cone for around her neck. Remember that’s what we call it?” Oh, yeah! Boy did I feel dumb! I wondered why he was suddenly quoting Maxwell Smart! So poor Xena has to where the upside-down lampshade until the vet appointment tomorrow and man is she pissed. See she is so smart that when we make jokes, like “How’s that disc picking up reception?” or (whispered) “Don’t talk too loud, everything is super-amplified for her.” Or “The Xena dog can hear small woodland creatures up to 3 miles away, but only in the direction she is facing.” Xena gets mad and leaves the room or turns her back on us. So, today she got her revenge. While I was trying to take a nap, Xena and her cone, got stuck in the bushes under my window and she made quite the racket de-tangling herself. Then she started barking and wouldn’t you know that thing acts as a natural bull horn? And finally as if I wasn’t awake enough, Riley goes and stands in front of Xena wagging her tail, which then bangs on the cone like a drum. So I am very tired right now.

Yesterday I told Chris, “I am really proud of myself because I am eating really healthy.” I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t stop laughing. Probably had something to do with the fact that, at that moment I happened to be carrying an extra large pepperoni pizza. “Oh, well besides this I mean.” I am losing my mind! I have put things in the trash that belong in the fridge and vice versa. I tripped over the bean bag and “rode” it across the room like a surf board. I not only knocked over the dog’s food bowl, somehow I manage to knock half of the food about 15 feet, the other half flew into the air and landed in the water bowl. I walked into the living room carrying the dog food filled water bowl, Chris looks up and goes right back to reading the newspaper. “I am not even going to ask.” he said. Knowing me, he ain’t seen nothing yet!

Flatulence: Fun For Everyone!

I can't remember if I ever told you, but when we first got married, Chris made up the rule that we would have no belching and no farting in front of each other because it "kills the romance." Well, I told him whenever I became pregnant all bets were off--guess he thought I was joking...
I still don't feel pregnant. All those months of waiting for a sign! The things I can tell are different, easily could be chalked up to PMS a UTI or bad tofu. The only new thing is that I like to sleep in a tight ball on my side, and I can't any more. I can't really explain it, it doesn't hurt exactly, it is just uncomfortable. And OMG I gots the toots. So there we were in OSH looking for a tarp and I let one slip, real quiet. Chris goes, "These tarps smell like ass." And I say, "Oh, that would be me, sorry." Was he willing to let it go? No. I told him this is one of the early signs of pregnancy, I can prove it, (Sabrina, back me up, please!) I got out the book and everything! He told me I should have gone to a different aisle! So now hours later he keeps making fart noises and calling me Stinky. Fine, from now on I'm blaming it on the dogs.

My doctor abandoned me. I called up to get my first appointment and can you believe the nerve--he's on vacation!!! Shouldn't he be waiting for my call? No? OK. But you know what sucked? The nurse said we will see you at six weeks and then almost hung up. I was like, "Wait, what do I do? Should I keep doing the progesterone? Take vitamins?" She looked at my chart and said yes to both. What if I had stopped the progesterone??? I am really kind of ticked at them. Oh well. I sent an email to my doc that said "Congratualtions you're going to be a doctor."

I read pregnant women lose their minds and do strange things. I am starting to. I will end with the things I have done this week:

*Got out of the shower with soap still covering my right arm.

*Knocked over a display at the video store.

*Lost my keys, found them and then promptly lost them again.

*Misplaced my DVDs from blockbuster, only to have Chris find them in plain sight.

*Farted in OSH and blamed it on the sales guy walking by.

That is all for now, I have to go take a nap. Talk to ya later, bye!

Congratulations! You Are Having a Baby EEL!

So, my buddy Alicia gave me a stack of pregnancy books to peruse, most of them seem full of propaganda and scare tactics. One of them is just so gosh darn funny I thought I would share some of it with you. It is called “A Child is Born” and it is pregnancy from a biological/scientific standpoint. It shows every phase from pre-conception to some really frightening birth pictures. Gestation-wise I am at 3 weeks and the picture looks like an eel. Either that or Janice from Dr. Teeth’s Electric (Muppet Show) Band. Anyhoo here goes my mockery of this fantastic book, come gentle readers, join me.

Book: Within a private, timeless world, events are taking place that will enrich and change forever the lives of two loving human beings.

Reality: Private? Even my mailman knows my cycle at this point….

Book: The swimming sperm, the dancing ovum, all the secret phenomena inside the woman’s body are matters of which the two expectant parents—the man and woman who love each other—are oblivious.

Reality: The man and woman were about to throttle each other, if I remember correctly. Also, if my ovum dance as poorly as I do, no wonder it took so long to get pregnant—I am a horrible dancer.

Book: Unaware of events in the depths of her body, the young woman and her partner rejoice in their love.

Reality: Um yeah. I think that was right about the time my progesterone was making me insane and my husband was only rejoicing when I left for work. It was getting to the point where he would enter a room calling, “Do not injure me. I come in peace. My people mean you no harm…”

Book: At eight days, the blastocyst has landed! Like a raspberry on a cake it sinks slightly into it’s foundation.

Reality: Say what? I’ve got nothing... Although cake sounds really good to me right now.

Book: As early as 10 days after ovulation the woman may feel tired and irritable. Her partner does not always understand what this is all about, and may perhaps think he has said or done something wrong.

Reality: Oh no honey, he has done something wrong. I’m just not quite sure what it is yet…

And that is as far as I have gotten so far. Monday I am at 5 weeks! Yay! And now, I will close with some of the funny, silly, wacky things my husband has done/is doing. He has personally put himself in charge of this pregnancy. (I’m calling him the Pregnancy Police.)

*Sniffed my soda to make sure that is was in fact Root Beer not Coke.

*Packed my lunch every day with nutritious items because, “My baby is not eating fast food.” (Today I got a surprisingly delicious home made salad. I was a little concerned at first when I saw he had put Dorritos in it.)

*Has walked around for days saying, “You’re my baby’s mama!” In a strange “ghetto” accent.

*Picked up all prescriptions so I could get an extra hour of sleep.

*Filled my gas tank, so I wouldn’t harm the baby with gas fumes.

*When I told him I have been walking on my lunch breaks, said “Good now I won’t have to strap you’re a@# to a treadmill.” (I am a notorious non-excerciser.)

*Discussed, in depth, creating an off-road stroller with a compartment for his duty-weapon with his brothers.

*Officially kicked the dogs out of the guest room, because, “That’s the baby’s room now.”

*Knows every important date coming up and has filled out the calendar himself, to chart important milestones.

*Doesn’t understand why there is no point in getting an ultrasound at 4 ½ weeks, even if we pay for it ourselves.

*Let me know that he told the dogs about the pregnancy, and they are OK with it.

*Sat down and tried to read “The Expectant Father” all the way through in one sitting, the day after we found out we were pregnant, then got exasperated and said, “No one is that stupid.”

*Became annoyed when I stopped reading aloud from “What to Expect When You are Expecting.”

*Burst into the bedroom this “morning,” happy to wake me up in time for work---an hour early. He made me dinner though, that totally made up for being unable to fall back asleep.

*Was asked to pick up Orange Slice at the store. When he discovered there was none on the shelf, walked into the store room, past a surprised employee and took one from the shelf back there. Told the employee as he walked back out, “I am just going to take this, OK? Don’t worry I am going to pay for it.”

So that is my wonderful husband. He is doing great and really being a part of everything. I think I am going to strangle him, soon. Just kidding, Chris!!!!!! Well that is all for now, thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and well wishes, please keep them coming.

Wow, I Guess Sometimes a Watched Pot DOES Boil

I am kind of still in shock right now. I took a HPT--one thick dark line. I took this test in the middle of the night, so I probably slept off the worst of the heartache. Woke up told Chris, he "knew." Told my mom, she gave me a big hug. Told her, well at least I can stop taking the progesterone. Chris will be happy about that. Went into the bathroom to take a shower. Decided to take one last look at the HPT, (how many times have we all done this--as if it would miraculously change?)... but it did. There it was, a faint second line. And then I made a complete ass of myself. Not only screaming, but just wearing a towel (we are VERY modest in my parent's house), I ran out to the breakfast table and shouted at my husband AND my parents, "I was wrong, there is another line, I think I AM pregnant!" and ran off screaming to take a shower. What happened to the MANY ways I planned on telling Chris--in cool, original, but most important private, ways? Poor Chris was pounding on the door, which in my excitement I inadvertently locked. When I finally opened the door, he was really upset with me--rightly so! Not only was he mad that I spilled the beans to everyone all at once, he said, "This already happened and it wasn't true." Oh, yeah, that. I forgot to tell you guys about that. About six months ago we had a false alarm. I don't know if it was chemical or a bad test, but it really, really hurt. So Chris immediately went online and found me a place to get a blood test. In the mean time I took a second pregnancy test, which was negative. I disgustedly threw it in the trash, and thought, oh no, now what have I done? More upset for Chris than me. So I decided, we should get the test anyway. Right before we left, dug the second test out of the trash can, (how many times have I done that? A lot!) I was sure a second line was going to be there---and it was. Very faint. So, took the blood test. Best $27 I ever spent! And thus began the longest five hours of my life. 4pm finally rolls around and I called. "It is positive, but very, very light, very early." The nurse said. "Like, chemical pregnancy early, or like went on vacation on December 20th, early?" She laughed and said, "Yeah like that." So here I sit. Sometimes I can't breathe. Tomorrow's post will be how Chris is taking it. He is hilarious. I have started calling him the Pregnancy Police.

Today I am 4w2d and my projected due date is September 12th. My first ultrasound/pre-natal visit is January 24th. I am aware how fleeting this could potentially be, but today I am pregnant. Today, I am so thankful, and I will be thankful for every day I get. Sorry this took so long to POST but I had some people to tell. Talk to you soon!

What? Don't You Find My Psychotic Side Sexy?

My poor, poor husband. Remember how I thought it was the clomid driving me insane? Ah, such, sweet innocent, ignorance. It is definetly the progesterone. I had the dumbest argument with him. Oh, the argument was an important one, but my abilty to argue coherently went right out the window. It was like I was standing behind myself, watching the train wreck happen and I couldn't stop it. Not to mention this happened right before work. Don't you hate that when you argue with your DH, right before work? Also crying makes me sooo tired. When I went to work, I literaly, woke up with my face on the keyboard 3 times! So, that sucked.I am at my parents house in San Luis Obispo right now. I grew up here. I am going to take a pregnancy test tomorrow while I am still here, just in case, so that either I can tell my parents, in person, or get a Mommy-Hug. Nothing better than a Mommy-Hug to soothe a broken heart. That crazy Hope is still there. At this point she has become HOPE, and she will not be ignored. I'll write again soon.

If You Can't Say Something Nice.....Shut the %$#& Up!

Hope: Hey it’s 13 DPO.

Me: Yeah, so?

Hope: Just wanted to remind you again, in case you forgot.

Me: Yeah, thanks.

Hope: You sure are peeing a lot.

Me: I know, that’s because I have been drinking a lot of water.

Hope: That was kind of weird how you cleaned the entire house before bed this morning. It’s
almost like you are “nesting” or something.

Me: No, I just like a clean house before bed.

Hope: (Snort) Since when?

Me: Touché.

Hope: Hey, what’s with this craving for bologna, tartar sauce and grape juice?

Me: I dunno, sounds normal to me.

Hope: Right. You sure are tired a lot this week.

Me: Duh. I work graves.

Hope: Yeah, maybe. Hey, there is a HPT in the bathroom drawer, why don’t you use it.

Me: No.

Hope: Why not?

Me: Too early.

Hope: Maybe not, you know on the box it says—

Me: I know what it says, cut it out.

Hope: Cut what out? I’m just saying…

Me: I know what you are saying. Look, you need to leave; you are making this really hard on me.

Hope: Oh, you know me, I hang around till I see one line, then I disappear for a couple weeks.

Me: Yes I noticed that…Fine, stay, but for the love of God, shut up.

(Uncomfortable silence)

Hope: That really is an amazing vacuum you have…

Me: It really is isn’t it?

Hope: Especially great if you are pregnant, because it cleans so---

Me: AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope: (Innocently) What?