This is Just the Cat's Meow

File this under "You should have been there." I am back at work for the first time in ages. Just now a lady called 911 because a can of cat food exploded and cat food got in her husband's eye. She said to the medics "I am afraid he will get botulism in his eyes. (Don't people pay for that--it's called Botox?) Then, on the air I said, "Medics responding to a can of exploding cat food, police presence will not be required." I got microphone clicks from the officers which as some of you know, is universal at any PD I've worked at for laughter. Wow I missed my job. It is nice to have a topic to bring to the dinner table other than the contents, quality and and consistency of my son's daily diaper deposits.....Speaking of daily deposits, the other night I was changing Liam's diaper for bed, (which we do pretty much in the dark with just the red night light over the changing table on), and I was talking to Chris. I was applying a good ammount of vasoline to his hindquarters to protect him through the night. As I am talking to Chris I say, "I don't remember using so much vasoline. And why is it getting warmer?" I look down and he had taken a crap in my hand and I was obliviously just rubbing it in. Chris laughed so hard and teased me for ages. OMG so gross!!!!!!

And now I leave you with this final thought regarding the ealier mentioned 911 call:

Can of cat food.......................50 cents

Ride to the hospital................$300

ER visit only to be told the only damage done is to your pride..........$2000

Becoming the antecdote of an entire shift of police officers.................PRICELESS

A Day in the Life in the Land of Liam

So since my parents are babysitting on Super Bowl Sunday, my Mom wanted to know a rough outline of Liam's daily routine. I thought I would share a day in the life of Liam. I totally stole this post from the email I sent her and I apologize for my laziness! Here we go, all times are approximate, all details are subject to change with out notification. Offers void where prohibited:

Midnightish- Liam fusses very quietly until fed. When he sees the bottle he opens his little mouth like a fish and goes, "Uh uh" until he is given the bottle. This takes 5-10 min then straight back to bed where he puts himself to sleep by sucking on the shoulder fabric of his outfit.

4am-ish- Second bottle 5-10 min, puts himself to sleep by sucking on his shoulder.

6ish- 3rd bottle ditto on details. Sometimes will begin singing in attempt to make this time for wake up. Mom NEVER falls for this, she rolls over and falls asleep and eventually baby gives up.

7:30 This is the most consistent of all habits. Almost on the dot: The singing begins. He talks, laughs, fusses and sings. If I am super tired I let him do this for about 15 min while I cram in some extra ZZZZZs

7:15-8:30 Pop my head up over the railing and say, "Good Morning!" To which he ALWAYS grins at me. Pick him up and prop him up on the pillow on the bed in his room. Lay down next to him and doze for a few extra minutes while he plays with his hands. Usually he turns his head and watches, smiling sweetly. When he starts putting his feet in the air, I wake myself up again. He is prompting me for what comes next every morning. Unzip the sleep sack so he can look at his feet. Still laying next to him on the pillow, lift his feet so he can see them better and touch them. Then he will arch his back and look at the window until you open the blinds. Back to the feet. Time for you to play with Toe-sies. First you sit up and face him, rub them together, then you clap them together, then you sniff them and say, "Whew stinky feet!" (that is so from my paternal side, but how can one who never wears shoes get stinky feet?) Anyway then you put his feet on your cheeks (one foot per cheek) and say "Ching ching ching, " then put them on his cheeks and say, "Ping ping ping" at which point he will laugh because he thinks this is great. Repeat until he gets bored, or I get bored which usually comes first. Then lay down and put him on your chest for tummy time. Do this until he seems bored. Or you feel like you may actually drown if you get one more drop of drool on you. Diaper and clothing change. Clothing must have no feet because he likes to have his feet out in the morning, if you attempt to apply socks, they will be removed by said baby. Make sure every time you change his diaper you turn on the yellow stoplight above the changing table. If you forget, he will remind you by staring at the light. He will then look up and backwards for Daddy, but you have to remind him Daddy is at work but he loves him. Then apply massive quantities of zerberts to the belly region. To which baby will smile placatingly at you, because he hasn't decided why parents find this funny, but we are optimistic he will one day laugh. Marvel that the weight of his night time diaper is at least a pound, yes I've weighed it. Pick up baby and take him to the bathroom mirror so he can say good morning to the other baby.

8:30-10ish Put Liam in his "entertainer" and place "entertainer" and baby in the kitchen. Wait, reverse the order on that... Then do dishes and fix yourself breakfast. Scoot baby/entertainer into TV room and watch TV while eating breakfast. If baby fusses, give baby your undivided attention and he will again be happy. If he fusses call over Xena dog and he will be happy indefinitely. Put Liam in bark-a-lounger and take a shower. Make sure you place him next to the back door so he can watch the dogs run by and while in the shower, talk to him and sing. Preferably "Jerry the big giraffe." (His neck is long, his legs are strong) Get out of shower and make embarASSed jokes about mooning the baby. Make sure when you brush your teeth you face him so he can watch and laugh. Then brush his 2 teeth with his baby brush and mango fruit safe toothpaste.

10-11ish Nap then bottle or bottle then nap, just play it by ear. He can sleep in bed with you or in his bark a lounger. If he naps next to you be prepared to be smacked in the face repeatedly with outstretched arms.

11-12:30 Clean or whatever, just put him in his swing or on his mat or wherever he can see you.

12:30ish- This is lately his bigger nap, put him in his crib and close the door with monitor on. Blanket on, tuck him in kiss forehead and say "It's nap time!" like it is the greatest thing. Sneak back in later to take picture or just stare adoringly.

12:30-2pm Mama plays on Internet and watches TV

2pm- Liam wakes up, we run errands

3ish Attempt to feed the baby rice mush and peaches.

3:15-3:30 Clean up the mess feeding the baby caused, or let dog in to lick floor and baby.

3:30 Daddy comes home, change of guard, Mama takes a nap or finishes vacuuming or reads a book or pretends to do one of the above so she can have a moment alone.

4pm ish -Bottle and he and Daddy play on the Internet, play video games, do tummy time with heavy emphasis on practicing rolling over, fix things and do other manly things.

5-6pm Liam takes a nap time in his chair. Not before compalining over dramatically and very loudly.

6-6:30 Make dinner for adults and hang out with or bathe increasingly grumpy baby.

6:30-7pm Bedtime Routine: Put on the red stoplight. Sing "You don't have to put on a red light. Rooooooxane." Every time. Lube and change baby. Put on a sleeper sack suit. Baby will laugh and become extremely fun and happy. Do not be fooled, it is a trick. Hand baby to Daddy who will feed night time bottle. Turn on mobile and leave the room. Eaves drop on Daddy and baby from the safety of the living room.

7pm-midnight ish FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sleep, watch TV, throw a party, get drunk. Er, ignore the last one....

Was that detailed enough? Probably too much info. I told my mom she might want to print this and save it to refer back to, as needed, just in case. If he fusses for no reason, it is usually because he is too warm. Diaper changes are as needed, no predictable indicator except sniff test. Bottles are on a demand basis, if he is done or doesn't want it he will pretend to drink but then let the milk fall out of his mouth. I guess he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings....

Hope you enjoyed your brief foray into the life of Little Man Liam, til later!

Due to the Adorable Baby, You Will Not Notice This is the World's Most Boring Entry

I am kind of in a writing slump. I think it is all of the sleep deprivation. Liam is about 3/4 of the way weaned off BFing. I was feeling horrible about us being done with that phase of his life. Then he bit me. Hard. Several times and I am now over it. Pretty much. They say you can say, "Ouch" or "Mom doesn't like that" and the baby will get the point, but every time I yelp he just looks at me like, "Lady, what is your problem?" So I don't think he grasps the concept. We started solids a few days ago. Don't know why they call them that, they should call them softs. Mostly they end up on me, the floor and on the dogs, but we are getting better every day. I am watching LOST right now, then I am going to bed. I am totally addicted to that show. And now I will close with the hilarious thing my husband said to me: He said, "As if it is not bad enough that I found another man's socks between our sheets (holds up Liam's tiny socks), but I find the fact that you slept with a midget, particularly offensive." Man that still makes me laugh! I dyed my hair. Nothing funky like the bright magenta of last December '04 but like my natural dark brown. I had sooooooo much gray and I am only thirty, but it made me feel too old. Maybe I will have saggy boobs, stretch marks and love handles, but gosh darn it, I will not have gray hair too!!!!! Speaking of love handles, I will get rid of those real soon when I start running next month. Yay! Shows back on, gotta run!

No Boys Allowed ! ! !

OK so really no boy (Chris) allowed, because it is not like this blog attracts a male following! I have been writing this blog in my head for ages. I have a lot on my mind. Particularly breastfeeding, hence forth (BFing). I said I would stop when Liam was 6 months or got teeth, (he is a biter). Well Liam got two bottom teeth. They just popped up. However, I am slowly weaning him with the final day being around the 28th. Today I am adding the second bottle. I am hoping to make the experience not be too painful on either of us.
Speaking of painful... Sunday I worked a twelve hour shift. Without pumping because I never figured out how to do that correctly and the end result was that I went 16 hours, looked like Dolly Parton and was in soooooooo much pain! Oh and it made me start my period which means I have to go back on the pill which caused hair loss. But not good hair loss. If my hair is going to fall out, why can't it fall out everywhere? I am a hairy Portagee after all. Speaking of looking like Dolly Parton, pre pregnancy I wasn't a boobie girl and now I have them and I am so worried that after I am all done nursing I am going to end up with fold over/sock boobies. Pre preg I always said if that happened I would just get a "lift" of my own stuff, nothing added. Now that Liam is here that just seems petty and silly. "Sorry Liam we can't go to Legoland cause Mommy needs new boobies." [Let me pause here to say there is someone reading this who did have her boobies done after pregnancy and her very different situation made perfect sense and was not selfish or silly. And they look fabulous by the way.] Besides, if I have a spare few thousand to put down on myself, I think I would rather have all hair from below the eyebrows removed instead. See above aforementioned Portagee statement. I was lamenting that most of my stretch marks were on my boobs and Chris said, "So what? Are you planning on entering any wet t shirt contests?" That was nice. And no but maybe I aspire to work at Hooters or become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, you just never know!

A Morning Person I am Not

So this morning, Liam decided to get up before the butt crack of dawn. On general principal I do not find it polite to rise before the sun. So finally after Liam protested loudly for about 45min we got up. But I would like it noted for the record, it was against my will. We are currently watching, "The Early Show" Know why they call it that? Cause it's friggin' early. I have never written a post this early before, can you tell I am hostile?
So I wanted Liam's bedtime to be at 8pm. He moved it to 7:30 then 7pm. Last night he wanted to go to bed at 6pm. Am I supposed to do this? What if he ends up moving his bedtime to noon and then wants to wake up at midnight? I have no idea, but I read this book called the Baby Whisperer or some crap, told me I was doing everything wrong and I suck.
So speaking of suck, I gave Liam like one oz of apple juice and 2 oz water, just to get him to make friends with the bottle. He hates the bottle. The bottle makes him angry. Apparently apple juice tastes like battery acid to him. He actually shoved it away. He doesn't even know how to shove things away yet, but apparently the apple juice was just that offensive. I am going to go lay on the tile floor next to the bouncy chair and try to fall asleep. Maybe he won't notice...

Today's Entry is Dedicated Entirely to My Son's Poop

Yes, I am aware, that I may be in need of psychological help. So Liam hadn't pooped in 4 days. Oh, he tried. His little face would become tomato red, there were grunts and yelps, but nothing to show for it. I tried baby massage, words of comfort, ("Who does number 2 work for!?"), gentle sounds, even a nice warm bath. Chris says it was like Liam spent the day at a spa. What was I to do next? Light some candles and put on some Barry White to get him in the mood? Scare the crap out of him? Never in my life did I imagine parenthood, would lead to my husband and I spending DAYS discussing our son's lack of pooh. There were phone calls exchanged, "Anything yet?" Text messages: "Has the eagle landed in the nest?" and "Brown package, not yet arrived." We sat around staring at him, probably causing performance anxiety. Audible farts were met with loud cheers and then we would flee from the smell, as his mocking laughter, rang in our ears. Finally knowing it may be the only thing that would force something to happen, I called the doctor. It worked! We had lift off, before the doc even had time to return the call. And it was silent. I didn't even notice until Gabby told me. She was sniffing interestedly in the diaper region, and I just knew. I held my breath, I didn't want to run, so I carried Liam quickly to the changing table. Could it be true? Had the brown package, indeed arrived? With anticipation growing with every second, I slowly removed the diaper and looked inside. What did I find...Peanut butter? Is that peanut butter? No, but it sure looked like it. What he had lacked in quantity he made up for in quality. I wrapped my prize in a doggie poop bag, tracked down Chris in the back yard and triumphantly exclaimed, "Hallelujah!" Actually I sang, this! (No really, I did.) "Did he poop? Is he really done? How does he feel?" We quickly ran back to check on him. He seemed to feel pretty good. We looked at him adoringly with pride shining in our eyes. At which point, he farted contentedly and I wiped a tear from my eye, (mostly from the smell, I admit.) Chris, turns lovingly to me, and says these wise, fatherly words: "What on earth did you eat?"

Happy New Year ! Funny It Kind of Looks the Same as the Old Year, So Far

So here is a picture of my dogs. They totally freaked out at the fireworks, like they do every year. Maybe it has something to do with the New Year's day years back when the neighbors lit the back fence on fire... There we all were in the living room celebrating, and suddenly the dogs slam themselves against the back sliding glass door. Some people inside were afraid of dogs so we just figured it was the gun fire or fire crackers that scared them and they were trying to get attention. Yes, I said gun fire, some yahoos in that old neighborhood felt a good way to celebrate was to fire their guns in the air at midnight. Yeah, cause most people always celebrate major events with random gunfire...I digress so we chalk it up to nerves, but suddenly we realize they are all acting REALLY frantic, so we go out back to calm them and, lo and behold, the back fence is ablaze! The rear neighbors sparkler ignited the fence. They saved the day! After that, we invited them in as our honored guests. Xena tied on a few too many, Gabby was in the corner with a lamp shade on her head, all in all it was a bit embarrassing but hey, we gave them a little lee-way, being as they saved the home from burning to the ground. So here is wishing you all a gunfire and regular fire-free new year!!!!!!!