Saturday, May 27, 2006

I Like to be Daring....BUT NOT WITH MY FOOD !!!

I am at work, and all I can think of is food. I am starving and having very bad food luck today. first I bit into my turkey sandwhich and it was bad, so after spitting it out and wiping down my tongue, I ate a TV dinner which had portions small enough for an infant. Then I had a Slim Fast which promised that it now, "Controls hunger longer," but I was hungry IMMEDIATELY, so how does that help me? Finally I had ANOTHER TV dinner, only to realize what I thought was chicken nuggets, was fish nuggets, EWWWWW!!!!!!! Ok, first of all my dad and I have a "nothing from the sea" policy for food, and secondly have you ever bitten into fish expecting chicken? Holy crap! It is kind of like drinking a root beer you thought was a Dr. Pepper, but sooo much worse! I may be repeating myself, but when I was pregnant, I thought my sandwich smelled really weird, but who knows...so I had my co-worker Selene smell it for me. She said "It's fine, smells just like ham." And handed it back. I chucked that thing so far across the room into the trash. "What did you do that for??" she asked, "BECAUSE IT WAS TURKEY!!!!!!!!!" OMG I hate food mishaps, I love to eat and I take my eating very seriously!!!!! Chris, can't stand the whole process of eating; he does it because he has to but he rarely enjoys it. Why can't I be like that. When I imagine heaven, I honestly see myself eating whole entire feasts. Sad I know..... Speaking of daring events I am completely naked, au nautrel, free as a bird....medication wise that is. Not only did I stop taking my birth control pills months ago, which Chris and I have deemed fondly, our game of "Russian Roulette" which, if you read this blog at all, you know is not a game being played with blanks! Ha Ha Ha....sorry Mom.... I digress, what I mean is, I stopped taking my Zoloft. It was accidental at first, I realized I hadn't taken it in quite some time. Then I realized it was too late; it was already out of my system (five days +), soooooooo what the heck, whether I immediately started taking them again, or adopted a nervous yet excited, "wait and see," attitude, it would make no difference. No matter what, if I decide to go back on them, I have to wait 4 weeks for the drug to take effect. I have been on them for over a decade and the first night I was so scared and tense. I kept giving my concerns to God and then taking them back. Part of my chemical imbalance includes obsessive thoughts and I have had a them once or twice, but it was really easy to "reboot" and force myself to think different thoughts. Now this was very minor compared to the extreme obsesive thoughts I am capable of having, but it is really good to know that I may now have the maturity and stubborness to fight it. My doctors told me after pregnancy my chemical imbalance may right itself. I have no problem going back on them if I must, I am not ashamed. I will keep you updated. So far, I can honestly say, my range of emotions has been more real and more vivid than I can remember...and I like it.

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