Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Kidney Stoned

Have you ever had a kidney stone? Hmm... No? Then perhaps you've had someone weighing approximately 300 pounds, pogostick on your kidney? It is truly a joy to behold.
So I had lunch with a friend, and everything seemed normal. Then I went home and OMG some invisible Mohammed Ali-like person punched me repeatedly in the left kidney. Thud, down on my knees, I crashed. I called Chris and told him I needed to go to the hospital. I was certain it was a stone, as my Papa gets them quite regularly. Oh, the joys of childhood memories, my first bicycle, playing dollhouse, and Dad shaking a small paper cups saying, "Becky, come look at the size of this one!" Ewwww, Daddy!
Chris broke the speed limit and the sound barrier, getting home for me. He found me on the floor in the kitchen attempting to fix Liam a bottle. It wasn't going too well for Liam or I at that moment. It is a funny thing, 6 month olds just don't reason well with, "Sweetie, I know you're hungry, but Mama can't reach the formula from the fetal position here on the floor. "Chris got me quickly to the nearest hospital. Note: Don't ever admit to the nurse you think you have a kidney stone. That gets you triaged somewhere in between a bad case of the runs and bubble gum in the hair. So after an hour of rocking back and forth, they finally called me back. What was worse than the pain, at that point, was I felt like I had to pee, soooooooo bad. You might think, so? But try this, drink 2 beers, 6 glasses of Kool-aid, 2 gallons of water and imagine you are in a public place and unable to relieve yourself and that is how I felt. I could pee and then IMMEDIATELY, it felt like I had not even gone. Like that guy in Greek mythology, who pushes a rock up the hill only to have it roll right back down endlessly. Was that Dante? So that was me, pushing a kidney stone endlessly uphill... OK over dramatic. Continuing on, this whole time Liam was an angel. Screaming and laughing, entertaining the masses. Sometimes he would get really still and just stare at me, waiting until I would turn my head and look at him and then he would yell delightedly. That helped. Almost. We go back into the room and after endless questions they brought out a sword, used for fencing. Oh, wait that wasn't a sword, that was the 3 foot shot they intended to stick in my ass! With no exaggeration, the needle was this long
--------------------------------------------------------------------------, and it went all the way into my bum muscle. They said, if it is a kidney stone, this will help, if not, it won't. But will it help with the pee thing? "You mean {Medical term}: "sense of urgency pertaining to bladder issues" Yes that?!?!?! Perhaps. It didn't by the way, but it did help the kidney pain which was really nice. Time for a CAT scan. Cool, cause those don't hurt. So into a gown I go. Chris was tying the strings and he says, "Your underwear is on backwards." Funny I didn't notice. Wheelchair, came to take me to radiology. Now let me rewind for a moment. Remember when I gave birth, and I was mortified because my body hadn't seen a razor in ages. And I am Portuguese? And we are a friendly but a hairy people? Well, I was determined not to have a replay of that humiliation. Granted I was pretty safe from reenacting, the whole pooping on the table during a CAT scan, but ya know, I could do a little better than that even. So before we left for the hospital, I told Chris, "I have to take a shower. I absolutely have to even, if I crawl into it." He truly believed I was delirious. I didn't care, not one bit. There are just some things that can be accomplished through the pain. Fastforwarding now. So as I climb onto the CAT scan table, though in pain, I am so pleased, because I know, I know, not only will I not poop all over the table, I am also quite well groomed. As the gentleman/radiologist waits, I modestly climb upon the table. I look down at my smooth legs...and I notice a like 1 x 1 inch patch of like mountain man hair on my knee. How did I miss that????? "Uncross your legs please." The man says. Great, now I have drawn attention to it! So after the Cat scan, there was blood draws and more waiting. And peeing. Lots and lots of peeing. The doc came in and says, you have a kidney stone, it is about 3/4 of the way through your system. The worst should be over." "But what about the feeling of urgency????" Apparently you just have to wait that out. Oh they gave me something that would supposedly help, but all it did was turn my pee pumpkin orange. Nice, but not what I had in mind. They gave me Vicodin for the pain and Phenergen for the nausea. Weird I thought. It won't help the urgent pee problem and I feel better. I thought the worst was over. What nausea? Oh, sweet, sweet naivete. The pain he mentioned, that would be the excruciating, sobbing into my pillow and praying for mercy type pain that occurred that night. And the nausea that followed quickly after. I don't take Vicodin. It just makes me high, but doesn't touch the pain. I tried it when I got my wisdom teeth out. So Chris was rubbing my back, which helped a bit, when I panted, "Go....to...the...Pharmacy....and....GET THE VICODIN!!!!" "But that doesn't work for you," Chris wisely stated. "I don't care......maybe if I'm high....I won't mind....." By the time he returned I was onto the nausea but the pain had gotten bearable. So I took the Phenergen and it knocked me out.
So that is the story of my kidney stone and I have added a few pictures, to help compliment the story. Bottom line? It sucked. But I am so looking forward to possibly starting my own rock collection. "Liam, come see the size of this one!" "Ewww, Mama, no!" Good times, good times.

1 comment:

Kath said...

Good lord. How awful! You poor thing. Glad it's out now, that Hulking Chunk of Rock.

I had to laugh out loud at your dad's showing off his harvest to you when you were little... What a nasty thing to inherit, though, don't you think? I mean, blue eyes, messiness, propensity for ballet, that sort of thing is OK, but this?