Friday, June 17, 2005


My life is wonderful. I love it. But when I go to work, usually it is not that exciting. I get a lot of 911 hang ups that lead to nothing but hair-pulling, "I didn't call 911." replies. I always like to say, "Well ma'am, 911 doesn't do random house calls." And my officers work in a small sleepy town, nestled between gang land to the South, and Brina's wacky Twilight Zone city to the North. (She gets the weirdest things even though her town is small like mine.) Back me up on that, B. Chris' job however, is exciting and fast paced. He has the best stories ever. Some are sad, some are scary but some are so funny, I cry with laughter. What is really funny, (and occasionally frustrating), though is that he will regale me with these amazing, colorful tales but then when I prompt him to retell them later, it goes one of 3 ways. Every time.
Me: Chris tell them about the traffic stop with the midget.
Chris: Which one is that?
Me:You know, the one with the midget, the Hungarian waiter and......
Chris:(Blank stare) I have no idea what you are talking about.
Me: How could you forget??? The guy was holding a tuna!
Chris:Hmmm....Sorry that just doesn't ring any bells.

Me: Chris tell them the one about the midget.
Chris: Which one was that?
Me:You know the one with the Hungarian waiter and the tuna?
Chris:Oh, yeah, I stopped this Hungarian waiter and he had a big tuna.
Me: And.....(exasperated) Tell them the whole thing, you know, the midget...
Chris: Oh yeah, and when I stopped him, there was this midget in the car with him.
Me: What??!! That isn't even remotely the exciting, hilarious story you told me!
Chris: Oh, I guess I don't remember it then.

Me: Tell them the one about the midget, the Hungarian waiter and the giant tuna.
Chris: I don't remember that one.
Me:Fine I will tell it.
(So I launch into this wild tale, full of humor and excitement. Spellbinding the listener. Then I finish. Big. And always true to how I remember the story.)
Chris:No, that's not how it went at all. Where did you get the idea there was a possum? There was no possum.
(Me, looking like a total jackass.)
Me: you said you didnt' remember!
Chris: I don't, but there definitely wasn't a possum involved.

And so, it is without further ado, that I tell you Chris' story about the deer in the road. There are no Hungarian waiters or Tuna in this story, though. Come gentle readers, join me: So Chris does a traffic break on the freeway, ( where they drive back and forth to stop traffic, to pick up debris, etc.), for another unit, because that other unit needed to get a large dead deer out of the road. Well, it turns out the deer is like a 10 point buck and cannot be moved easily. So the officer grabs a pole with kind of a noose on the end. You know like animal control uses on rabid dogs? He links the "noose" around the buck's head and antlers and is dragging the deer out of the middle of the freeway. Suddenly the deer wakes up! It was just stunned, but the officer's pole is still wrapped up in the antlers. This poor officer is attempting to wrangle this giant buck in front of dozens if not hundreds of stopped motorists, (this is a main freeway in the Bay Area, after all), and in front of this audience, the buck jumps up on a Mercedes in the front row and begins what was described to me as "an energetic tap dance" on the hood, while the poor CHiPPie is still trying to get his pole detached from the antlers! The Mercedes was annihilated, it eventually had to be towed it was so severely damaged. Finally the deer gets loose, and frolics off into the wilderness. Chris says even when they tried to get traffic moving again, the spectators just sat there for a while in shock. the whole thing, for once, was another officer's call so Chris just got to watch the show.

CHP officer's dry cleaning bill from wrangling deer............................................$13.00
Deer wrangling pole......................................$40.00
Damage done by deer to Mercedes..............................................$6000.00
Watching in stunned silence as a deer destroys some random Mercedes Benz?..............................................................................................PRICELESS

1 comment:

Brina said...

Ok, even though I have already heard the story, I still laugh my ass off. And yes, I do work in the Twilight Zone. That is a good way to describe it. And you know how I always joke that we have the highest per capita of crazy people in the county? Well, I just found out that it's true. And not even per capita, we have the highest number of outpatient county housing facilities for the, uh, mentally challenged. So Twilight Zone is very appropriate.