Tuesday, August 31, 2004

And On a Heavier Note...

I'd like to dedicate today's entry to my partner in crime, from the Great Ho-Ho run of 1996; you know who you are. And on a related note, I get the weirdest cravings from time to time. Lately I can't get enough lime. These are totally un-pregnancy related cravings but it does make me wonder what kind of monster I am going to turn into when the time comes. I hope I don't crave tomatoes, because Chris and I have shared a "Tomato-free household" since 1997. Part of the foundation of our marriage is built on our mutual hatred of tomatoes.
Warning: Here ends the light and carefree section of today's entry. Be forewarned that from here on out is more serious, but it really needs to be said, for this to be an honest, well documented BLOG

Hmmm...What was I going to write about today? Oh, yes the laproscopy. I have decided to schedule the lap. For as soon as possible, which means maybe on my next series of 4 days off. I work 3 days on 4 days off/4 days on 3 days off, 12 hour, graveyard shifts. If I have it on a Wednesday, I should be able to go back to work Sunday night. I think I might put it off until October though, so I can go on a family vacation with my in-laws to Oregon. I've never been to Oregon, and I could really use some relaxation time. I developed an annoying eye twitch this month. I'd been really stressed out with, work and thinking about buying a home and this latest cycle of trying. I finally calmed myself down and it stopped. It was my left eye and it was getting embarrassing. Strangers and co-workers alike thought I was winking at them. It got so Chris would say, "There it goes again. I can see it from across the room." Honesty like that, is so refreshing... Of course what I really, really hope is that this cycle worked and the whole "when to schedule the lap" debate will be null and void. I'm not holding my breath on that one though. [4 days till test day, but who's counting.] So my reasoning for doing the lap before starting the IUIs is this: we are paying out of pocket, so wouldn't it be smarter to have the doctor go in there, and burn out any endo and see if there is any tubal blockage, which may or may not be fixable and therefore--game over? I go back and forth. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss and I think maybe we should give the IUI a shot first, but then I think, that's just more of getting my hopes up for nothing if it turns out the tubes are untreatably blocked. I want to note, that though I am earlier into the IF process than many other people, I am also later into the process for our specific situation. Many IF stories are well into the several attempts realm of IVF or surrogacy which we just aren't going to try. Period. Not ever. It is interesting, I thought my mother in law, whom is a very devout Christian and whose opinion I greatly respect, would think that anything past fertility drugs, would be playing God. But she wholeheartedly accepts even going as far as the IVF. She says God gave us brains to figure out such amazing technology and He can still over-ride it if he wants to. However, this is not to be, for us. We are nearing the end of what we have decided to do. We still have about seven more months of stuff to do, but when I read other BLOGs with stories like, "We've been trying for 5 or 10 years.." Etc. That just isn't us. Even if we believed IVF was for us, we truly cannot afford it. It would take a long time to save up the $18,000 for the 4 tries program, that is offered, and we just can't take the risk of saving up all that time and money and then it not working. Adoption is expensive and my heart just can't wait indefinitely while would have to start saving all over again. For our predicament it would be years and years. I know we are young, but we have 7 years of marriage behind us and we are the only ones on either side of our families who are going to have kids. There are a lot of people waiting to love this kid, but that does put more pressure on Chris and I then our families realize. I am not naming any names, but I don't like it when people try to tell Chris and I that we aren't spending enough time alone together. Chris actually hung up on someone the other day when they wouldn't stop, "helping". It would crush these people to know they are putting un-needed stress on us, so it is kind of a sticky situation. Also we were the first of all of our friends to get married and we are the last to have kids. I am so tired of the questions. It's not a matter of "everyone else is doing it" that is not why we want it too. It's just hard to watch their families grow and ours stay the same. Many of our friends think we just don't want kids and sometimes it's just easier to let them think that. A universal problem for those of us trying so desperately to conceive, is that from car dealer to co-worker, "So do you have any kids?" Is just a normal thing to ask. I recently started telling strangers, "No, I was born a man, which makes it difficult." It works pretty well. I am going to sign off, for now with something I found yesterday that gave me great hope.

"While vital for some patients, in vitro fertilization and similar
treatments account for less than 5% of infertility services. "

Infertility Facts provided by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine

1 comment:

Sanorah said...

Just followed your link from one of 100 Jen's page.
Wish you the best of luck!

"No, I was born a man, which makes it difficult."

Very good come back!