Well Don't I Feel Like a Horse's Ass

So I have weaned my sweet baby from boob to bottle. Jack Johnson (right side) went quietly into the night, and, no I was not cursed with droopy boobs, thank you for asking. Sugar Ray, (left side) is not going down with out a fight. Ever the champion, he is really trying to stick around. Why, you may ask have I named my breasts? Because my husband does not want to talk about breastfeeding, but if I speak of boxing, he will listen and commiserate until he realizes what I am REALLY talking about. So Sugar Ray is enormous and I cannot even begin to describe how painful this is. I had no idea! Just chalk it up to #432 on the long list of "Why didn't someone warn me." So I go to a website about BFing and type in, "painful weaning" and I learn that many women find it soothing to put cold cabbage leaves in their bras, during this process. Whatever, as if, I laugh! Fast forward a few hours. I am at work, I am in terrible pain and I am eating my salad for lunch. Suddenly I notice there is cabbage in my dish. I look around, and I frantically dig out all the purple leaves and shove them into my bra. OMG instant relief! Which wore off about 3 seconds later. I run upstairs and look at that BFing website. What an idiot I am, it is GREEN cabbage, not red. Silly me, won't I think twice next time before shoving half of my lunch into my bra! So still desperate and in pain, I raided the police officer's first aid cabinet. Perhaps I would find some stray cabbage. Nope, but I did find a large box that said ice pack, so I removed the large box and carried my treasure into the ladies room. I will just take one of these, I think. I opened the large box and removed....ONE ICE PACK! OMG I think, I can't shove this giant thing in my bra, you'll be able to tell! Not to mention what is with this ice pack? If an officer is injured bad enough to need an ice pack this big, he really should be at the hospital...I digress, so I have no choice and I activate it and put inside my bra. I smooth it out and it feels soooooooo good. No one will notice, I think. Then I faced the mirror and began to laugh. Now, I am C on one side and E on the other AND apparently I now also have a rectangular boob. I am not removing that ice pack for anyone, but there is a police officer up in dispatch and nothing to hide behind when I walk in. So from the hallway, I call out, "OK, I am back from lunch you can go, thank you!" but he doesn't leave. So me being the skilled improviser that I am, I backed into the room and began studying the flyers on the wall. "OK, thank you!" "Are you going to watch the Super Bowl?" He asks. Oh, great, these guys always want to run out of here, but today we are chatty Cathy! "Oh, yeah I am rooting for the commercials." I say as I slide sideways behind the water cooler and from there low crawl to the computer console. Boy did that officer think I was a freak! Oh well, I pretty much am, I mean when I get off work, I have a chilled salad waiting in my bra, cuz I think I left some leaves in there. Hey, anyone want to keep a six pack in there nice and cold for the big game?