Day 14

Well we are half way there. I've been praying for twins. Am I nuts or what? Congrats to "Dani" whose twins were just born!

So Liam is out for the summer and I have no idea what I am going to do with him for 3 months. Well except July. July we are going to spend the whole month in CA on the central coast with my parents.

Chris/Liam got me the most beautiful roses for mother's day. I am feeling very random today. I'm waiting for Chris to call me and give me his hotel's address so we can rendevous. I am so lucky he is still working here in Utah. Um, well nothing else is new. Talk to you later!

My biological clock is talking

I took one of those digital pregnancy tests and it read, "not pregnant" That was brutal. Somehow the line test is easier because you can hold it up to the light, tilt it back and forth, throw it in the trash only to take it out several times to check. (Hey, I did that with Liam's test and eventually there was a second line! It could happen.) Somehow the line test eases you into the knowledge instead of slapping you upside the head with a resounding "NO!!!" So, I feel like I'm running out of time to concieve. Right now I can travel to where Chris is at key days of the month. But soon he will be moving to Wyoming or Colorado. What am I gonna do, fly in on fertile days? Too expensive. With him being gone for 8 days every 7 days this could take a really long time. Let's face it I'm not getting any younger! Well we are on day one. Pray for me, I could use it.

If you give Beckie an ovulation...

AAAAAHHHHHH! I'm not broken! As the nurse said, I ovulated "Like a champ"! I don't have to go up anymore in Clomid, Yay! Weird thing is my temp never really spiked and I felt nothing, like I normally feel a pain in my ovary. Who cares, I did it. I give all the glory to God, I should say He did it! Chris is right though, I do want a pregnancy to go with it....

I Think I'm Broken

Or rather, I think my eggs are broken. Another month and I am quite sure I didn't ovulate. Sigh. Have you heard of "If you give a mouse a cookie"? It's a children's book. I told Chris I just want to ovulate, not even get pregnant yet and Chris said, "If you give a Beckie an ovulation, she'll want a pregnancy to go with it." It's only funny if you've read the book...

I think my Ob/Gyn only cares about me if I get pregnant. I've pretty much been treating myself. I asked to up the clomid dosage and I asked for a 21 day progesterone lab slip. It's kinda weird. Then I have to literally stalk them just to get my blood test results. Oh well, we'll see what happens. Til later!

"On the Road Agaaaaaiiiiiiiin" (Sung in E minor)

Well, here we go again! Onto that long windy road of infertility. Tomorrow I go on the higher dosage of 50mg of Clomid. Yay, even more anger! Thank God Chris is out of town, poor guy.

Liam pooped his pants today at the flower shop. Too bad I found out too late or I could have offered them some free fertilizer! Ah, parenting.

My Broken Heart

I thought a negative preg test was the worst, but this is even worse than that. All that work, charting and body temp, hormones and planning and I didn't even ovulate! I just cried and cried because there wasn't even a chance to get pregnant this month. I KNOW it will happen in God's time but I really, really want this.

Happy Easter!

Here is Little Man in his Easter suit.

********************************

Praise God He is risen!!!!

The Long Wait Begins...

Well, ovulation has come and gone and now we wait. And wait, and wait. Sigh. At least I have you little blog, to keep me company. 13 days til evil pee stick day. Sigh.

Mission Accomplished

Well, I won't go into details (your welcome Mom), but I did get to visit Chris. I said before it was at his jobsite but being that he works in a rail yard I didn't mean we would rendezvous in a box car like my Auntie thought! And now the long wait begins....

The Little Ovary That Could

All signs point to ovulation in the next 24-36 hours!!! Yay! Only 2 problems: 1) My temperature has not spiked yet and 2) I am no where near Chris... Please pray I can visit him at his jobsite tomorrow. It's not for sure, wah! Please dear Lord don't let these crazy hormones be for nothing!

So I was looking for a funny book on infertility, because lets face it the one I found and read called, "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" made me want to shoot myself. Infertility can be funny. Anyone ever faced with the transvaginal wand (aka the space probe) can back me up. This book above, was not funny. The book review lied. What a let down. This is why I need to get this blog published. I'd buy it. Would you?

Come on girls, you can do it!

As I mentioned before, though I am not yet ovulating, (come on already) I can feel my ovaries slowly coming to life. Dusting off the cobwebs and brushing themselves off. If there was a hamster in a wheel in there, he'd be old and arthritic, with the ol' wheel coming off it's hinges. My eggs are fried. Not willing to fully come out, they naughtily are playing hide and seek. Come on already, let's get this party started!

Ovulation Predictor kit. Seems simple, right?

WRONG! So if I look at the test line it looks the same only thinner. But if I blurr my eyes they look identical. But if I cross my eyes their totally different. If I spin around and do the hokey pokey, well, I just get dizzy. This is harder than it looks! It's like at the optometrist's office, "One or two, two or three, three or one." Argh!

Tab A fits in to Slot B. That's all I know...

I actually got this book on Amazon for 20 cents... Does that mean it sucks? Either way, I obviously need it! So Chris went back to work. Which means all of him is gone. Sigh. How are we supposed to make this kid if he's gone every other week? So even though I'm not yet ovulating, I can feel my ovaries stirring. Waking up from their long hibernation and peeking out. If they see their shadow it's another month of winter....

You Are Real to Me

Dear Future Baby, I'm doing this for you, all of it, for you. When I feel miserable I remember who this is all for and it helps. I feel despair and then I remember your face. How is it that I miss you so much and you don't even exsist yet? This garbage that I feel because of the hormones can't be for nothing. I can imagine you kicking and seeing you smile. My heart aches for each moment without you. But we will be successful, I just know it, you'll see. I love you, Baby, and I can't wait to meet you.

Let's Just Not Go There

If I tell you we are trying to expand our family, please don't tell me how much fun the "trying" part is. I don't want to talk about the sex side of the issue with you, just the baby part. As far as you are concerned let's pretend a stork brings it. I mean can you say, "Awkward!"

Wow...That's Something New...

Well folks, I have developed an eye twitch. An eye twitch!!!!! A lovely outward sign of the stress I am feeling inside. As in, uh oh, that watched pot's gonna blow! Great. No really I'm thrilled. It's quite dramatic, and if I add the shakes people will stay the h&#$ away from me, which is for their safety anyway. Man I hate Clomid. And speaking of erruptions, my face is all broken out, thanks to the influx of hormones. Yay!

I will take the Clomid...The Clomid will not take me!

Clomid makes me crazy. C-R-A-Z-Y! And I start it today. I don't want to! I don't know if I mentioned on this blog, but I'm bipolar. Which means I'm on two mood stabalizers. Oh, dear Lord let them counteract the Clomid. Last time Chris would throw a shoe in the room ahead of himself to see if I would eat it. Man I can't help but worry. Pray for me. But more? Pray for Chris.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!!!! (One day early)

Some vintage Liam pics to brighten your day!

Oh Little Period, So Brave and True

Ode to my Period

Oh little period you were so late
I got so nervous I ate and ate and ate
I knew I wasn't pregnant becuause I took a test
Now you are here and I think that you are the best.
I was going to have to jump start you with progesterone
It got me so concerned I called my mom on the telephone.
But now you're here and I jump for joy.
I am so irriatable I snapped at my little boy.
I am glad I didn't have to use drugs to get you to start.
Now I need some feminine products from the local KMart.
In closing I hope I don't see you for nine months more,
I'm excited now really, for what's in store!

It's Still Liam Land

Here is a picture taken today of me running after Liam and my favorite from the summer. Maybe it's weird to post a child's pictures on a infertility blog but oh well, this is my life. I suffer from infertility and now secondary infertility. There are a lot of view points on whether having one kid makes secondary fertility easier or harder. Easier because you have a child to distract and focus on or harder because you know what you're missing and you yearn for it. I straddle the middle. I do think Liam makes it easier, how could he not? But I also yearn for another baby. Heck, I yearn for twins. And one daughter. Please! Liam is all about having a brother or a sister. He talks constantly about it. We were in Walmart and he kept saying, "And we'll buy that for the baby and this for the baby..." Some lady looked at me like, oh how sweet until I said, " Well first we have to conceive the child." Then she looked horrified. My don't I have a way with words?