But the Drugs Make Me Nicer.....

How do I explain this....I have been off my anti-depressants for almost two months now and I am not sure what to think. I have a larger range of emotions, which is cool, but now that range seems to include homicidal rage. Oh, I am not having thoughts of hurting myself, litte man or anything like that, but everyone else? Fair game. I have zero patience and I don't like it. Can a person go back on their meds just because they are a bitch without them? I don't think that is their proper or intended use. Do I just have to relearn patience and civility? Buy a Zen garden? Take up knitting? I don't know what to do, but if I don't think of something soon, I just may throttle someone. No one is safe. Be afraid, be very afraid....

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY ! ! !

Hello?

Is anybody out there anymore? I am thinking of stopping this blog and just keeping Liam's family picture blog.....Either way I think I may make August 22nd, Liam's first birthday the last post over here. Not sure yet. Til later!

Today's Liam Fix

Forbidden Lovers

Theirs was a forbidden love, it was a love that could not be named---or denied...Shocking!

Happy Ten Month Birthday, Liam !

What a little ham!

Little Man, I Love Thee

Funny how Liam has 3 boxes full of toys, but he always returns to this tupperware container that I put a rubber stopper in, so it makes a lot of noise. Also, I do love that one of his favorite toys is a toothbrush. It means he should have really good dental hygeine in the future. Cool. I think Liam is going to skip crawling all together and go straight to walking. He rolls where ever he wants to go, which isn't far because he is content just hanging out. But lately, he immediately reaches out for hands and then stands up and begins walking. Over and over and over again he grabs onto, pants, arms, fingers and just pulls up and starts walking. He is a walking fool. And a jumping fool too. I will have to add a picture of his new freestanding Jumperoo. It was annoying because we got one of those cool Johnny Jump Ups that you hang on the doorjam, but 3 problems arose: #1 he goes crazy, pushes off and slams his head into the doorway, or #2 the room we spend the most time in, doesn't have a door jam to hook the thing to or #3 we hang the jumper in the closet that is near the room we spend time in and he grabs onto the coats for dear life. So last visit my mom spoiled him rotten and got him one we can move from room to room; it is awesome. It is hard to want to spoil that kid, because as you can tell from the pictures, he is so moody and sullen..... I like the picture where he has the fruit puff stuck to his face. Now that he learned to feed himself those stars, he grabs fist fulls and just jams them in. At first it made me freak out, that he would choke, so I would ration them out to him. Later I found out that over half of them, never made it to his mouth, they were left behind on the high chair. When that happens, Xena, ever thoughtful, comes along behind and inhales them. Well, til later!

That Dog is an Angry Drunk

One beer among 4 dogs = healthy shiny coats. One beer inhaled by one dog because she wouldn't share= a mean drunk. Allow me to explain: after Xena threw back an entire Bud Light, and we realized what had happened, she was cut off. Xena however, did not get the memo. First she slammed the beer bowl loudly around the kitchen, then came into the TV room to make sure we had noticed. Angered by our snickers she returned to the kitchen for more bowl bashing. When that didn't work, she walked up to Chris and stared, waited until he dropped his beer lower and then repeatedly bonked said beer aggressively with her nose. Then when even over-dramatic sighs and long uncomfortable stares didn't work, she finally gave up and retreated to a corner to sulk. Poor, poor alcoholic puppy. What is this world coming to when a dog can't get her buzz on.... (snort.) PS Happy ninth birthday Xena, my fur covered angel.

Those Were the Days.....

Love how the picture is all tattered---like I am so old! On that note, I am getting weary of Chris telling Liam, that they can't trust me since I am over 30. (He is a year and a half younger than me.) I knew when we got married and I teased him about the age difference, it would come back to haunt me, but now I have this kind of thing to look forward to every 10 years. I am seeing us on a porch, rocking in our chairs and him saying, "I am only in my 80s, you are in your 90s...." Or, "You are a Senior Citizen and I am not." Not fair, I only got to taunt him for one year. Sigh.
I am at work right now. I should be creating a lesson plan for my sign language class that starts tomorrow, but I am stalling. Excited and nervous, but stalling.
So I told you how we were kind of "not, not trying" Well, I put an end to that. I realized that I am not ready to be so sick again. I hate it when people say, maybe I won't get sick next time, because I know hyperemesis, is reoccuring and I feel like "they" just don't get it or don't believe how real it is. My doc said it will happen each pregnancy and hyperemesis.org confirms that too. I also am having so much fun with little man that I don't want to miss out because I'm too busy barfing. Plus I would like to have Liam enjoy and share the experience and be my little helper. Dare I even dream he could be out of diapers when the time comes. Also, looking at the above picture reminds me, I can do better than this. Fitness and food wise, I can potentially clean up pretty well, when I give it an effort. If I don't lose this baby weight and get in shape before next time, I might not get another chance. I heard it is really hard to get a flat stomach back after a C-section, (course you'd never know it looking at A. Jolie, Denise Richards and other stars. I swear they have a C-section/tummy tuck combo.) I am hoping to get motivated any day now. Another thing on the topic; Liam LOVES little babies. He strokes their tiny hands and stares adoringly at them, I hope he stays like that. Even with not yet "trying" again, it is hard to believe that, going on the plan of starting to try when Liam is almost 2; that is only a year or so away! It is funny, if I knew next time would take as long as last time, we would start now! Oh, that reminds me, since I suffer from endo, I was talking to my doc, worrying that since this last period was a 6 advil-er again, that it was coming back, and that I would need surgery again. She said not to worry, that wasn't likely but to hurry up and get back on the pill as that it kind of puts a hold on endo. I didn't know that, if I did, I would not have been so cavalier in my whatever happens, happens mode these past few months. Gosh darn it, it is either, ovulation tests, progesterone sups and "Oh, no honey you do NOT get a night off"and head stand, or it is the pill. No more ambivelance for me!
Oh, man we are having a rough time with Liam right now. He is teething and 2 nights ago he had a fever of 102 and couldn't sleep. We had been giving him Tylenol and when we finally called the pediatrican at 2 am they said, nope use Motrin. That took the fever right down in no time. Then last night he woke up every two hours for various things. One time he was "stuck" side ways and upside down at the top of his crib, another he wouldn't stop fussing for absolutely no reason I could discern, then later he was wet, then finally/later still, I fed him and brought him to bed with me and he slept like a rock. Mama on the other hand looked like she had been beaten with rocks. Oh man, I felt like warm cat poop this morning. Yuck. How can someone barely 2 feet long hog the bed so much?!? Liam is also fussy because he has a rash. Both of grandparents were here today and they were throwing out ideas, like food allergies and heat rash. I kind of sunk into the background and attempted to become one with the carpet as I remembered how I put a new T-Shirt on him with out washing it first and how the rash is on his back and front and on his forehead, you know all the areas a T-shirt would touch. No one asked, and I was not volunteering! OK, enough stalling, til later!

Mama and Baby

What a little chunk, he is! Man he is really getting to be a fun age. He can feed himself fruit puffs, (well 1/2 of them end up on the floor, in his lap, stuck to his face or in a dogs tummy.) He is almost crawling and he loves to lower voice and yell really loud. I have been having to work a lot lately and I really miss him. Should be getting that local job pretty soon....can't wait.

Yo Yo, W'sup ?

Now you know why we have always called him "Homie." Here are some pictures of Little Man chillin' in his crib. He is too fly for a white guy. Peace.

Yeah, it is EXACTLY what you think it is....

Apparently Liam was jumping on his entertainer, so vigorously a big glob of pooh, fell out of the side of his diaper. He then toe-painted in it while my MIL ran and grabbed the camera. Remember my prior post on how I have "fecal-a-phobia?" This did not help. All I can say is I am glad it happened on Grandma PC's watch and not mine. Oh, and way to go capturing it on film! PS. Within minutes, Liam was in the tub, both he and the entertainer were thoroughly hosed down and sanitized, lest you think, EEEEWWWWWW.

What Little Tough Guy

Liam is such a ham, but holy cow he is really tough. He leans in like he will kiss you and then "BAM!" Head butt! Which he finds really funny. If he drops something on his head or you accidently run him into the wall, (not that I have, but you know IF it happened) he says, "AAHH." With a scowl and then he is over it. But do not, I repeat, do not anger the baby by removing an inappropriate-for-playing-with-object, unless you are fully prepared to replace it with an appropriate toy, because man, you will incur the wrath of the tiny man, and it is not pretty. Shoot howdy, he has really learned to express himself this past week. I feel bad for him because he is cutting so many teeth at once. 2 new ones on the bottom and 4 on the top. He is sooooo fussy which for him means he is kind of whiny about 20% like a normal baby instead of the freakishly good baby he usually is 95% of the time. Yeah, poor me.
So I went to Target today and I had the "Baby Pile" that had diapers, wipes, formula etc., and I had the "Maybe Pile." which had all the stuff (like new towels and egads, a lace blouse), that I wanted but was pretty sure would go over budget. Yup, "Maybe Pile" never made it home. Sigh. But gosh darn it I bought that Dean Koontz book, cause Mama needs her favorite author. Anyway I was trying to pay, and Liam just flipped out. Arching his back and totally making a scene, and I say to him, totally exasperated, "Why are you crying? You got everything in your pile. I'm the one who should be crying!" I am really not used to him being fussy.

I Like to be Daring....BUT NOT WITH MY FOOD !!!

I am at work, and all I can think of is food. I am starving and having very bad food luck today. first I bit into my turkey sandwhich and it was bad, so after spitting it out and wiping down my tongue, I ate a TV dinner which had portions small enough for an infant. Then I had a Slim Fast which promised that it now, "Controls hunger longer," but I was hungry IMMEDIATELY, so how does that help me? Finally I had ANOTHER TV dinner, only to realize what I thought was chicken nuggets, was fish nuggets, EWWWWW!!!!!!! Ok, first of all my dad and I have a "nothing from the sea" policy for food, and secondly have you ever bitten into fish expecting chicken? Holy crap! It is kind of like drinking a root beer you thought was a Dr. Pepper, but sooo much worse! I may be repeating myself, but when I was pregnant, I thought my sandwich smelled really weird, but who knows...so I had my co-worker Selene smell it for me. She said "It's fine, smells just like ham." And handed it back. I chucked that thing so far across the room into the trash. "What did you do that for??" she asked, "BECAUSE IT WAS TURKEY!!!!!!!!!" OMG I hate food mishaps, I love to eat and I take my eating very seriously!!!!! Chris, can't stand the whole process of eating; he does it because he has to but he rarely enjoys it. Why can't I be like that. When I imagine heaven, I honestly see myself eating whole entire feasts. Sad I know..... Speaking of daring events I am completely naked, au nautrel, free as a bird....medication wise that is. Not only did I stop taking my birth control pills months ago, which Chris and I have deemed fondly, our game of "Russian Roulette" which, if you read this blog at all, you know is not a game being played with blanks! Ha Ha Ha....sorry Mom.... I digress, what I mean is, I stopped taking my Zoloft. It was accidental at first, I realized I hadn't taken it in quite some time. Then I realized it was too late; it was already out of my system (five days +), soooooooo what the heck, whether I immediately started taking them again, or adopted a nervous yet excited, "wait and see," attitude, it would make no difference. No matter what, if I decide to go back on them, I have to wait 4 weeks for the drug to take effect. I have been on them for over a decade and the first night I was so scared and tense. I kept giving my concerns to God and then taking them back. Part of my chemical imbalance includes obsessive thoughts and I have had a them once or twice, but it was really easy to "reboot" and force myself to think different thoughts. Now this was very minor compared to the extreme obsesive thoughts I am capable of having, but it is really good to know that I may now have the maturity and stubborness to fight it. My doctors told me after pregnancy my chemical imbalance may right itself. I have no problem going back on them if I must, I am not ashamed. I will keep you updated. So far, I can honestly say, my range of emotions has been more real and more vivid than I can remember...and I like it.

Lots of Fun In the Summer Sun

So my mom and pop in law, bought us an inflatable pool. Love it! It gets over 110 degrees during the summer so don't think I won't be joining little man. At first he gave us these long suffering looks, like, "What did I do to deserve this? Was I bad? Did I upset you somehow?" And lots of over dramatic, "Ohhhhhhs" like we had first filled the pool with ice cubes. After awhile he decided, it wasn't so bad. Then after we removed his 5 pound diaper, he was even happier. Chris says Liam's sun hat is "gay." I say he can't look gay, he is just a baby. This conversation went much like the Halloween costume, "is he a duck or a chicken" conversation where we must agree to disagree. Not gay.

Liam As The Pitt Bull Whisperer

Pictures

Happy Mother's Day to Me...Waaaaaaahhhhh

Here is what I get to do on my very first Mother's day:

Drive to work, which is 3 counties, 8 freeways and 12 cities away for a grand total of 150 miles round trip! Do you feel sorry for me? Just a tiny bit? OK, then I feel better. I actually do not mind working tonight at all. My friend's shift that I am covering, has 2 little ones that will actually remember and notice if she is not there! But gosh darn it, I am taking next Mother's day off! And maybe even dare I say.... Liam's first birthday???? I have been working a lot this month; making hay while the sun shines so to speak. My in laws just moved here and there is a lot of work to be had at my old job and the extra money doesn't hurt. So far this month, though I have already put over 1000 miles on my truck and about $400 in gas. Yikes! I dunno how much it is where you live, but here it is running at $3.15 on a good day and $3.35 on a bad day. I am in backgrounds for a job at a local police department, and I am soooo excited because it is only 6 miles, one city, same county and 8 minutes away. PD backgrounds take forever, though so until about August, I'll be doing the long commute 2-4 times a week. I have my Polygraph on Thursday at 10am after an all night shift. I may sleep through it...while hooked to the machine. I am either a really good polygraph subject or a horrific one, depending on which way you look at it. I was raised Catholic, and that guilt stands out like massive red flags on a lie detector test. Last one I took, the guy asked me if I had ever stolen anything, besides the porcelain figurine, that I admitted to stealing from Inga in the second grade. Which by the way I would have gotten away with had my brother not told on me. So I said, no and then after the test the polygraphist said, I did fine, but what was I thinking about when he asked me the stealing question? He was curious. Oh, I said laughing, this morning Chris told me to stop stealing his work socks and I couldn't stop thinking about that. He found that very amusing. When he asked me about, if I had ever done drugs, he stopped the test and asked if I was paying attention because the reading was SO flat! Nope, I just never did them. I'd like to think I would never have experimented with the "Mary Jane" but truth is no one ever offered, so I don't know what I would have actually done, had the situation arose. I probably would have said no to marijuana. I am POSITIVE I would have said no to anything else. I took a sip of a wine cooler at a Vons grocery expo I was working when I was 17, and felt bad about it for ages. Oh yeah and I had 1/8 of a can of Zima at a Vons company picnic that same year. Bad Vons, bad! Oh, great now I am going to be thinking about this, when the guy asks me if I have ever had problems with alcohol. Thanks Catholic guilt.

Happy Mother's Day, guys!

Hawaii 5-O Baby

Look at that face, can't you just tell he is up to no good? I have been working a lot lately and I miss little man soooooooo much. I am trying not to work 2 days in a row but the truth is since I pretty much only work nights, I am totally useless and mostly unconcious the next day. At least I get to feed Liam his breakfast in the morning and when I go to bed at 9 am it is his first nap time, so we cuddle. Well first he fights sleep and smacks me in the head several times, then we cuddle. No wait, first he goes "Dadadadadada" for a few minutes, then "TTTTTTTTHHHHBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTT" then smacks me in the head and THEN we cuddle. I love it. Only 8 more hours plus 2 on the road til cuddle time!

Man I am Beat!

Look at that mischievious face! Is it any wonder I haven't posted in awhile? This little guy is a riot, but whew, he keeps me hoppin'! He isn't crawling yet---what he does is plants his face in the carpet and scootches his butt up about 1/2 an inch, with the end result of, well, frustration. Mainly he just rolls over and over, everywhere he wants to go. Oh my, when he starts crawling there will be no stopping him......